A day to myself

We are at the beach, and so today I decided I'd go to Charleston by myself. This is a luxury, although it doesn't sound so special. Just to be able to stroll along King, Queen, Market, Broad, Meeting, East Bay and all the picturesque streets of downtown Charleston, without anyone bugging me to leave! Ahhhh. So I spent the majority of my time doing a gallery crawl of all the art galleries in the French Quarter. My exciting find of the day is pictured! It is a portrait of Mackenzie by Dabney Mahanes, featured at the Eye Level Gallery on Queen Street. Mackenzie modeled for us one day, and Dabney told me that the finished product was at "a gallery on Queen Street". I kept looking till I found it. For $800 it could be mine. I love her work, but can't swing that. After catching all the art galleries, I shopped for shoes (none) and clothes. I found a store with several things I liked (called Affordables, an unlikely name on King Street!) Then I went to my favorite art supply store and picked up some linen canvasses and charcoals. Stopped in West Ashely and picked up a book for Clark, as well as the game Imagineiff. When I came home the kids and I played it, and had a great time with it. The only bad part of the day is that Bill's had a toothache that's been bugging him for a few days and he's knocked out with pain meds. Otherwise a pretty delightful day!

Five weird things about me you might not know

I got tagged by Julie and so here goes (and Julie, I don't know how to make your name a link):

1. I'm not allergic to Poison Ivy
2. I'm so normal this is hard... The most romantic place I've ever been, I went to with my children. I simply MUST take my dh back to Santorini, in Greece!
3. I pick out perfect dogs. People call me to help them select a dog. I have a knack for finding good breeds, and good, happy, well adjusted pets.
4. I rip all the advertising cards out of magazines before I'll touch the magazine. Those things are my pet peeves.
5. I like to burp really loud.

A Christmas Carol (by G K Chesterton)

The Christ-child lay on Mary's lap,
His hair was like a light.
(O weary, weary were the world,
But here is all aright.)

The Christ-child lay on Mary's breast
His hair was like a star.
(O stern and cunning are the kings,
But here the true hearts are.)

The Christ-child lay on Mary's heart,
His hair was like a fire.
(O weary, weary is the world,
But here the world's desire.)

The Christ-child stood on Mary's knee,
His hair was like a crown,
And all the flowers looked up at Him,
And all the stars looked down

I shoulda had a camera!

This morning I'm at Edisto Beach. We just got in around 12:30 last night, and the dog's execratory system woke me up. So he and I trundle off to the beach, where he's allowed to run off-leash since it is after Halloween. The morning sky was gorgeous peach and pink, with the sun just popping over the horizon, only to slide behind a screen of violet clouds. I sat there and just listened to the surf and watched the sunrise, while the dog sniffed along the strand. I turned to look behind me, and what should be plastered over me but a rainbow! It isn't rainy or anything, but there I was, smack dab under the arc of the clearest rainbow I've ever seen. It stopped me in my tracks.

I collected Zeus eventually, and we headed back to the house. Just as we are about to turn into our driveway, out of the palmetto trees swoop a pair of great herons. They banked in front of us and soared away down the street. Amazing. What a way to start a day!

Breathing room

Today I officially started thinking about Christmas. I ordered the trampoline, which they say will be here by Friday the 22nd. I have lined up someone to assemble it while we are at the beach from Friday - Sunday. I'm trying to figure out where to get black Converse AllStars now. We got a postcard from Grayson, as well as a few text messages, saying he's in Alice Springs, headed for Ayers Rock, and that he will miss us on Christmas. I'll miss him too.

My dear friend Beth lost her pet doggie, Zoe. Zoe was my dog Zeus' best friend. So it is a sad event for Bethie, but sad too because Zeus won't understand where Zoe is when Beth comes over. Beth hopes to get another dog, and quick. So sad.

Clark's confirmation was a special event for him. I love the aspect of it that he is the center of the universe for awhile, and not because of some game he's playing in, or some recital he's practiced for, or some accident he's had.... just because he's a person acknowleging that his spiritual path is important. That's it. That's the whole of confirmation: yes, I believe this stuff, and it matters to me. So I'm glad that he opted to take this step. He was pulled aside by Bishop Baker beforehand, and brought into the Catholic Church, so that he could be confirmed in it! So it was his joining the church, being confirmed in the church, first confession, and first communion, all rolled up together. The ceremony was beautiful and long. Bishop Baker gave a homily on stewardship. Gigi walked forward with Clark as his sponsor, and Clark assumed the confirmation name of Melchizedek. With as strange a name as that is, my parents (who did come to it!) didn't even ask the significance of it! I thought that was pretty shocking. BUt I shouldn't be shocked...there is a history of just not talking about things that they wish never happened. So I should have known there would have been no curiosity exhibited. But I'm grateful they came and sat through the service for Clark's sake.

The next day, Clark participated in the ordination of our friend Dwight. Clark had a very visible role as the book-bearer for the bishop. He ended up being the one who had to act as a human podium for the Bishop's homily. So for 30 minutes or so he knelt very still. This was the first time he had been analtar server! What a memorable week for him.

Then on Friday I spent the day planning a reception for Dwight. And LaQuinta moved out! She found a rental house, and so she left. I hope good things for her.

Saturday I slept and kept on my jammies all day.

Sunday night, we went to one of those parties where you just know that the whole time you are being sized up. I hate that. So no matter that the food was good, the home was lovely, the decorations tasteful....I still could not wait to get out of there. Bill even commented as we left how grateful he was that I was nothing like the women at the party. I told him I felt out of place, and he replied, "You WERE out of place! And thankfully!!"

Not keeping up

I'm not keeping up with my life. My only time to myself is moments like this...the hours when everyone else is in bed, and I have insomnia to thank that I'm not. Advent's supposed to be a time of reflection, but I find myself unable to reflect and pray because of all the activity.... and I haven't even begun shopping yet!

My only source of online friendships is closing next month. So that leaves me in a place of grief, vulnerability, and loss. I'm coping with that news, and it's forcing me to rethink my time committment to the internet. It's forcing me to recognize that it may be a blessing in disguise, because it affords me a chance to connect more fully with the real world; to renegotiate my relationship with cyberspace. Folks at this forum are hurting as well, and it is making me evaluate all the years' investment I've given to the relationships. To be sure, the forum has been a bright spot in my days, a source of inspiration toward change, a support group from which to bounce ideas and experiences. It has been a rich experience. But this whole overnight evaporation of the entity... it has me doing some major reevaluation.

LaQuinta and that whole experience has been incredibly draining. Her values and culture are such that I'm having a hard time respecting. Shirking responsibility, inconsideration, poor communication, imposition ... it has all taken a huge toll on me, and on my family. Clark has mistakenly felt that we wanted him to serve as babysitter for the girls. Mackenzie, my chipper one, has been in a funk of losing the sense that his house is his castle, as has Bill. Something's gotta change, and I think we're going to just pay some rent for her in order for her to move out this weekend. We need to inhabit our own home again before Christmas. We need a break. I cannot say it hasn't been a good experience, insofar as we've alleviated a need, we've learned from the inside about a culture and way of life that was foreign, we're given of ourselves and hopefully made a difference in the lives of the little girls. I wouldn't trade it, honestly. But time's up.

Our dear friend is being ordained to the priesthood (actually, this happened last night) and I'm in charge of the reception on behalf of the school, where he'll be chaplain. So throwing this party has been my responsibility, and the reception is tonight. I have no idea whether it will go well or not. I am hoping so, but ... you there's only so many hours between now and then, and I have no idea whether we'll have 75 people or 300. A bit tough to plan for, eh?

And Clark was received into the church and confirmed Wednesday. What a path for him to want to do that! I need to do a blog post just about that event. Then last night, with exactly 24 hours of being a Catholic under his belt, he served a very visible role as a server at our friend's ordination. He held the book for the bishop. So he spent two hours in front of a huge crowd of clergy and friends on his knees before the bishop, standing, moving, trying to figure out the ropes of altar service. He did an exceptional job. Amazing.

Then there is Grayson. He has left (Friday morning, Australia time) with a friend he met over there in a rental van for a month long trek around the Outback. He's heading first to the Great Barrier Reef, then down to Ayer's Rock, and on to the cities along the southern coast of Adelaide and Melbourne, finishing up at Sydney. What an adventure. But what a lot for a mother to deal with, thousands of miles away.

And I've no presents for Christmas. And my house is a wreck. And my homeschooled child needs to have exams written, and review sheets for said exams, and applications filled out for school next year... and his mom thus far has not succeeded at that.

I'm just not keeping up with my own life. There's too much needed of me, too much emotion elicited from me. I gotta find a way to cope with all this.

Advent Begins!

I pulled decorations down yesterday, intent on getting my Advent wreath set up before it was actually needed (a departure from the usual practice). I don't have many Christmas decorations and sometimes I wish I did. Like now. :-) But I think I'd rather be minimalist than excessive if I had to choose. If I can decorate the stairway with garland, the front door with a wreath, two mantels, and a tree ... that will be enough. I don't have a theme, or a collection of kitchy artifacts, most likely because those things just aren't meaningful to me. I'd have to manufacture an interest in, say, nutcrackers, which I don't currently possess. But I do love a home that feels cozily Christmas, and so I'll try to find that balance.

This is going to be a full season for us. The beach house is available this month to us, so I know that Bill is going to want to go down there a time or two. Then there is LaQuinta and her housing issues to consider. Then Clark's confirmation on the 13th, and our friend's ordination on the 14th, and the reception in his honor the 15th that I'm in charge of organizing. Somewhere in there I've got to figure out what I'm going to get everyone and shop for it! And decorate! And finish up the semester of homeschooling! And start a new painting class! And cook nourishing meals so I don't swell up like a balloon with holiday food!

I guess everyone feels the pinch of the holidays. I wish it weren't so, but it seems to be almost a matter of fact. Last night we intentionally didn't go to something we were supposed to be at just to have a boring evening! This in part because, Bill's concussion is still giving him trouble. For instance, he tried to help bringing down boxes from the attic, and immediately got a headache. He is supposed to fly to Chicago today, and I'm worried that this trip might be too taxing on him right now.

Anyway, Advent begins today, and I hope that the season brings a measure of blessed peace with it!

battling the same demon, again

Last night, after a rough day already, I learned that a few nights ago, M had 'borrowed' the truck to drive in the neighborhood to a friend's house. It's Grayson's truck but we haven't disposed of it, so it's basically taking up space. But M only has a learner's permit, and the insurance on the truck has lapsed. Not only that, but when the father of the friend offered to take him home since it was cold, M didn't say "Oh, I drove"; no he says, "Thanks, I'll just walk."

So. He stole the truck (since that's what borrowing without permission is). He violated the terms of his license. He lied to the friend's father. He lied to us (never mentioned it). And the cherry on the top is that when confronted, he gets all defensive like "what's the big deal! You all are making a mountain out of a molehill."

I feel like I'm talking to the very same child who 6 months ago smoked pot and then lied when caught. The same kid who 4 months ago covered for his friends by not telling us that he had smoked with them. The same kid who wandered the neighborhood and set off the alarm at the nearby hotel (and never mentioned it to us). Now this?? Is he not learning ANYTHING by all he's suffered? Is he going to come out of this experience HARDER rather than more genuine? Is there ever a point when he will begin to see for himself when he's done something wrong, or when he's hurt someone BEFORE he gets caught, or BEFORE he is confronted? When does conscience come to bear? He's got such an opportunity to get real, get honest, and become the man he has the capability to become. But will he take it?

12 Things to be thankful for today.

1. Grayson is OK overseas. He was in charge of making mashed potatos for the 2 Canadians, 1 British, and 5 Americans that comprised his 'family' Thanksgiving. He's found a job, he's settled in a city by the beach, he's found friends and an apartment. He's living his life, and he IS alive, and for that I'm grateful.

2. My dog. When you're driving down the road schlepping folks all over town, and you feel isolated and meaningless, there's nothing like soft fur and an occasional lick on the face. And then when he leans out the window to catch the wind, looking for all the world like a misplaced hood ornament, it cracks me up. It can be 30 degrees out, but I'll roll the window down because it makes him happy, and it makes me laugh.

3. That I don't have to trade lives with anyone. My life is good. This is especially pronounced this year with LaQuinta here.... Almost always, I take my life for granted....it's just my boring life. But when you see others who have no (NO) resources, no web of support, no stable base, no healthy heritage, few skills (life or career), little education or curiosity .... you realize those things are nothing to take for granted.

4. Bill. We're almost 18 months into our second marriage, and it is a world different than the first marriage.

5. This year home with Mackenzie. Although he's about to go stir crazy for lack of social interaction, I'm just plain grateful to get to spend time with him. He's a fun person, and makes me laugh often.

6. Clark's confirmation coming up. That he followed his heart, and not a path we prescribed, and yet he wound up with us in church anyway. He was so resistant to anything Catholic for several years, so this is really a pleasant surprise. And he starts serving at the altar the night after his confirmation, so he's really following a serious path.

7. My house is feeling homey and almost finished in the decorating department.

8. Chelsea is my friend. I really enjoy her, even though it isn't a 'talk every day' kind of thing. She gets me, I get her, and it's really nice. I'm grateful she's contemplating gastric bypass...I would love to see her healthy and attractive and more engaged in life.

9. My Apple. :-) Ahhhhhh.

10. My friends ... I don't have LOTS of friends, but I'm honing in on the ones who are true, and that is nice. Friendships have changed over the years, especially because of church affiliation, and so they've been in flux. But a few old friends are dearer than ever, and a few new friends give me hope that I can find a community of dear friends.

11. Trapdoor Society, my online community. It's part of my life every day and my life is richer for the perspectives and people who make it up. I've been deeply changed, and wholeheartedly supported there.

12. My art. That I've really connected with painting and with artists this year. I still don't give it the time it needs but I'm grateful for what I [i]have[/i] been able to give it.

This is an ode to friendship

Sometimes friends are the ones who push us, like Clark's pushing the girls here. And sometimes friends crawl up in the swing with us. Thanks to Bethie for joining me in the swing of my life yesterday, and making the ride more pleasurable.

across the ocean

I talked to Grayson last night. I realized (as if I hadn't before) that he's living HIS life. I'm not sure what that is, but I'm sure I probably don't want to know everything! He's got a job, though he wants to find another since they have him working Th,F,S &Sn nights and that is cramping his style. He's tending bar, although he says that mostly means he washes glasses. But still. And 2 of 3 of his roomates are girls... and his photos always have him with one of them... so is there more to that? Ack. I want to know, but I don't want to know.

I keep reminding myself that he needed to sow his wild oats, and he didn't need to waste a year of college doing it. So he's sowing. And I have no control over where that takes him in life. Will he even come back and go to college? I suppose he will, but who knows? Now he's talking about buying a car and driving to Perth in the spring. You think you've imparted your values to your children...but have they been shared values or were they just adopted while they seemed to serve a purpose, but now circumstances have changed...

I'm torn. Will we look back on this time with G in Australia as a good thing? I hope so. The intentions were good. I guess the completely out-of-control mom in me is doing some second guessing. I'm honestly happy for him. And I miss him. And he'll be so changed when he gets back...

I lit a candle last night

For the second day, I took little Niyah into daycare. For a second day I kissed Washita off to the school bus. The night before I sang them to sleep. And last night, when their mom wasn't at home for dinner, and hadn't let me know where she was, and I had to be somewhere ... it hit me. These children need a Mother.

LaQ has so many great qualities and I love her. But she is content for others to raise her children. Get them into daycare! The government vouchers pay for it, so whether she's working or not, she sends them to daycare. The bus takes W to school, and then to daycare. When you don't have a car, your options are limited; when you're poor your resources are thin. But for God's sake, raise your children! Love on them! Be the one voice in their lives that they know will listen. These are girls who lived in 5 foster care homes. The first home they lived in, the 'mom' beat them with belts (this was when Niyah was one and Washita was 5); so then they were separated and sent to other homes. Now Niyah (3) is kicking and screaming at her daycare teachers (I was told when I picked her up yesterday). These girls need a mom, and it breaks my heart for them.

I mentioned to Washita that I needed to leave and that I might need her to watch Niyah (M was home, but he was sick, and it wasn't fair to him to dump childcare on him, and Bill is out of town). She got really quiet and tears started to fall. In my country club neighborhood, she told me that once she had been watching Niyah and a man had tried to beat in the door. She, at 7, had maneuvered the sofa in front of the door and he was deterred. To say she's afraid of being alone doesn't begin to express it. I held her tight, and told her that she's never alone: she can always know that God is with her. Even while I wondered how this little girl could possibly be so alone. Clark tapped me on the shoulder and whispered "Could I give her my crucifix to remind her that she's never alone?" God bless that boy.

I called everyone I knew of LaQ's friends, but they didn't know where she was.

So when I realized I had unexpected babysitting duties staring me in the face, I wrote LaQ a letter and taped it to the door. I changed my plans....I had been going to take Clark to first confession, and then go out with a girlfriend to a movie. Scrap the movie. I piled the girls in the car with Clark, and down to church we headed. When we went in, Clark said,"Mom, I think you're supposed to leave" (Guess he didn't want me around when he did his confessing! :-)) I replied, "Yeah, I know. But I need to pray". So Niyah, Washita, and I knelt in the pew, and I prayed silently that Mary would be their mother. That she would take their interests to heart in a way their own mother didn't. I led them to the front of the church and Niyah pushed a dollar in the slot while Washita lit a candle. They both fell to their little knees (and they've never been in a Catholic church before, maybe never in a church, period). We prayed that Jesus would help their mommy be a good mommy, and help them grow up to be good girls. That he would always be with them and that they would always know that someone loves them.

Clark finished his first confession soon thereafter (seemed like an awful short time to confess a lifetime of sins, but hey...he's only 13!) He said his Hail Marys and seemed happy to have faced himself honestly. He told me on the way home that he liked going to confession, and that he didn't want to go the the jolly priest (whose confessions are much 'easier') -- he liked that the more formal priest he went to agreed that his sins were wrong, but he gave him some penances and some ideas of how to move beyond his sin to living better. He took everything the priest said to heart. What a guileless boy he is.

LaQ called. She had gotten home, and gotten my note. She was ashamed of leaving me in a lurch. I told her that I loved her, and wanted her girls and her in my home. BUT I was only the taxi, the cook, the landlord ... she is the mother, and needs to step up to her responsibilities to be a mother. When we got home, I didn't corner her or try to talk more; I just got M off the sick bed, and got Clark, and bundled up my two boys for a night at the movies. They needed their mom, too.

On your confirmation

Dear Clark,
As I think of you reading this letter on the occasion of your confirmation retreat, there are so many things I feel the need to say; and yet maybe I don’t need to say anything -- parents often do way too much talking, and kids really rather be listened to anyway! What might be better is to suggest some questions that you yourself might spend time now, and over your lifetime, answering.

Who am I? What is true? What is my relationship to God, really? How well does my experience square with my beliefs? What am I to do in my life?

As you take this big step in your faith journey, I hope you’ll find some answers to those questions. But the process of finding answers is a lifelong process, and Confirmation is just the beginning. As you know, I’ve wrestled with these and other questions and it led me to the Catholic Church! Your journey of faith has brought you here as well. I’m glad of that, even if a bit surprised, given your initial resistance to the idea! :-) But what I’m most pleased about is that you’ve made your faith journey on your own. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of yourself and God. Jacob wrestled with God, we’re told, and through that experience received God’s blessing. You have a smart mind; you’re a deep thinker; and you have a tender heart. God has great things in store for you.

I have such an appreciation for you, Clark. You’ve always occupied a special place in my heart, you know -- my baby! Confirmation is a good time to tell you how special and dear you are. You occupy a unique spot in our family. Most of the rest of us are loud and extroverted and brash; you remind us of the value of quietness and depth and sensitivity. You remind us that God is close to the meek and the lowly -- because I know you often feel like you’re the lowly one, on account of your birth order and of being sometimes misunderstood by those who are different from you in many ways. You remind us that we are a family, not by virtue of all being alike, but by virtue of us sharing our lives and our love with one another, regardless of differences.

I have many hopes for you as well. In fact, one of the first (maybe the first) prayers I asked of the Virgin Mary was on your behalf. I hope you’ll be a man of prayer and contemplation. I hope you’ll be a man of tenderness and strength of character and compassion -- that is to say, a good man. I hope you will learn to forgive others. I’ll never forget that discussion you and I had going to the apple orchard and back several years ago. I remember the conversation itself being an answer to prayer, but even more I remember the awe I felt at catching a glimpse of your heart of hearts. I pray you’ll keep your heart open to the world, and that you won’t hide it protectively away. You have a good heart that can bless the world.

As you consecrate yourself to God in Confirmation I pray God’s blessings on you in all your endeavors. I pray you’ll continue growing in your faith, through the sacraments, through doing good, through prayer. When you falter in your faith, when you encounter doubts, when you fail to do what’s right -- -- I hope you’ll be honest with yourself and with God, and that you’ll seek to talk to me or others you trust. We all do encounter doubts, and we all fail to live up to our ideals. It may be hard for you (as you tend to go inside yourself) but faith is a community affair. We all need each other! That’s why Jesus founded a Church -- because we gain so much spiritually from relationship with one another. You have your family, you have the saints, you have a brotherhood of other Christians to support you and encourage you along the way. And you, Clark, have so much to offer the rest of us!

Peace, joy, and blessings to you, dear!
I love you,
Mom

I liked this quote in my reading today

"Religious sense is that irreducible characteristic of the human heart, or man's ultimate nature, which makes him unable to be satisfied, perfected, fulfilled, by anthing that can be given and offered him - except in the illusion of an instant. Man has something for which he cannot 'sort himself out', finds himself imcomplete because man is relationship with something infinite - call it what you like; the histoyr of religions has called it God. Man is by his very nature relationship with somthing that is out of proportion with himself." - Msg.Luigi Giussani

observations on being black, single and poor

LaQuinta has moved in with us, with her two daughters. Long story, but she's here for a few weeks and we're now home to little children again (hers are 8 and 3). So here's my observations so far:

- French toast is something served at Burger King, eaten with fingers and dipped into syrup. As actual French bread, sliced and dipped in batter and sauteed in butter until the edges are crispy...it is unrecognized.
- All men are daddies. The concept of husband is unknown to the girls.
- Breakfast is a meal eaten at school. The conception of sitting together in the morning around a table (and getting up in time to do it) is new.
-DSS is demeaning to the people it purports to 'serve'. The runaround and bureaucracy is mind-numbing.
-People suspect black people. Immediately. And this is from decent people who wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings. But insulting comments and looks are de rigeur. I've seen it with my own eyes and heard it with my own ears. And I'm sure I've done the same thing....I'm sure now, having seen these situations as part of daily life, I could look back on my own comments and see how they might fit into the box of "insulting things white rich people would say."
- Black people and white people have funerals differently. We laughed hysterically the other night at dinner over the differences.
- If I had been similarly victimized, I'd be angry too.
-LaQ filters everything from an economic viewpoint. For instance, she spanked her daughter for wetting the bed. When I shared with her that I had a bedwetter and maybe we could just instead try waking her up (alternatives to spanking!) she replied, "but in my little apartment, I can't be having a bedwetter. There isn't room when you share a bed for someone to be wetting it. so I have to spank her to make sure she doesn't do that." Faulty conclusion, but I can see the desperation for a solution. When my child wet the bed, all it affected was himself, as no one shares a bed...
-Heathy eating really isn't an option when you're poor, unless you're a farmer or something. Bad food = cheap food.
-The very support systems and social services that are supposed to help those in need are really golden handcuffs. Yes, they provide assistance, but the price of dependence might not be worth it. Getting to a point of view where you could be SUCCESSFUL is almost antithetical to living with government assistance. It's hard for us to help her grasp a vision for herself that goes beyond government provided child care, living in subsidized housing, and eating what food stamps pay for. Our world is a whole 'nuther world to her. As much as these systems do help those in need, they perpetuate assumptions about oneself that are dismally opposed to human freedom and potential.

Recent happenings...

Decorating & rearranging...as I mentioned elsewhere it is starting to come together in dribbles and drabs. I'm loving the juxtapositions I'm getting: funky with formal, cheap interspersed with nicer, orange with red (odd color combinations), and all the elements of fung shui coming together (because of course, Bill insists that everything fit those principles!). Fung Shui tries to incorporate those divergent extremes, so I guess i feel like my house is becoming more balanced (soft with hard, round with square, high with low, etc.).
Outreach..La Qunita was over here for dinner last night, and we were helping her come up with a plan for getting out of her desperate circumstances. Cynthia is giving her some work to do, and likely she and her girls are going to come live with us in Grayson's room (!) for a few weeks until she can get some $$ saved up and a place to live. I feel hopeful that she's at a place where she can make some real changes, and turn her life (and that of her children) around.
Leaves...I think yesterday had to be THE peak day around here....the yellows and reds were simply breathtaking. Across the hill (a half hour north of here, where mom just reported back) the leaves are faded and falling fast. I love autumn!
Peace in the home....other than the occasional spat between C & M (who are polar opposites on every scale) it's peaceful around here. Maybe it is G's testosterone being on the other side of the world from Bill's; maybe it's the fruition of lots of changes over the past few years; maybe it's just the alignment of the stars -- but it feels peaceful.
Being Catholic...I'm out of the exploration phase...not reading theology or biographies or anything; just being. I feel like it's my identity but it isn't any big deal anymore, if that makes sense. Yesterday was All Soul's, and before that was All Saint's...and while these observations aren't second nature to me yet, they are on my radar screen of observance.
Open Studios...this is an annual event in my town and it is happening this weekend. It is where 80 of the artists in the community open their studios for a weekend to the public. So I'll spend Sat and Sun driving all over the county, talking with artists and getting inspired by their works. I look forward to it each year, and usually end up making contacts and acquaintances that make me feel more a part of the arts community. This year, one of the Beths is opening her studio. Anyway, I'm looking forward to fun this weekend!
Death...in the past week, there have been two deaths of people I knew. One was a suicide. November is for Catholics the month of honoring the dead. Death just feels more real and present to me, which conversely makes life seem so much more precious.

Child of my heart

Dear Grayson,
I’m down at the beach and have a little time away from everything, and of course my thoughts are turning to you as you prepare to leave, and as we prepare for your departure. I have so many emotions surrounding it, I’m not sure I can sort them all out. But I’m going to give it a stab.
Mothers love their children in different ways, and appreciate various things about each one. So while I love all four of my children beyond telling, I love each particularly, in his or her own special way. It is like each child occupies a particular place in my heart, even while they all share my whole heart. I could say to each one, “You are the child of my heart” and it would be true. And yet, I can say to you, in your own way, “YOU are the child of my heart, Grayson.” In the day-in, day-out business of life, I don’t sit you down and tell you that. Our lives, with their dance of crossing paths, aren’t always conducive to sharing our hearts. But hardly a day goes by that I don’t look at the young man you’re becoming and think that very thought, “You are the child of my heart.”
When all your accidents have happened -- the train near-miss, the car hitting you, the skateboard accident, the car rolling on the interstate, and more than a few other less dramatic incidents -- I’ve been slapped in the face with my love for you. That particular place in my heart that only you occupy has risen up and cried for expression, out of fear for your safety, out of desperate hope, out of boundless affection. It’s that same place in my heart that has been stirring in these last few weeks as I think about letting you go to the other side of the world. All those raw emotions have been bubbling around my heart: fear for your safety, pride in your competence in taking on such an adventure, hope for your future, affection that knows how hard on me it will be when you’re gone, anticipation (and occasional apprehension) of what you’ll encounter, a hint of regret that I haven’t been a good enough mother to you, or that I’ve wasted opportunities with you that I’ll never recover. Your imminent departure has brought to the forefront the recognition that you. are. grown up. Your childhood is quickly receding; maybe it receded long ago and I am just now coming to grips with it. But there’s nothing like sending your child across the globe to remind you that a new phase is beginning! And so my heart, full of love for you, squirms a bit as it recognizes a new phase of relationship.
You have always had a way of reaching out and touching me. As a little boy, I couldn’t look at you without feeling such a sweet affection for you. You had so much energy and activity and creativity, and yet you were sweet and trusting and vulnerable. I don’t think I realized until it was almost too late the cracks in your relationship with your dad. I wish in retrospect that I had acted sooner, that I had confronted him with more strength, or that I had protected you with more tenderness. But I felt at the time at a loss to know what to do to make it all better. I knew he loved you dearly, and yet I watched as the misunderstandings and disappointments hardened into rifts. I can honestly say I did the best I could at the time, but I’ll always wish I could have done more. Thankfully, especially in the past two years or so, your dad has found healing for some of the evils that were done against him from his childhood, and he’s becoming the father I always had faith he could become. He loves you more than he’ll ever be able to adequately express to you. I hope you’ll be able to forgive us both for the hurts incurred in past years, for the failures, for the ways we brought sadness to into your sweet soul.
Everything in these past eighteen years has gone into who you are now. You delight me in so many ways. For all your bluster and swagger, you have such a tender heart. Remember that time when Sarah’s parents were fighting, and she called you? We drove over there and got her out of the house. That was one of those times that I stood back in amazement at you. You wanted so much to protect her and help her, and I’ve always admired that combination of strength and tenderness you have. I also love how charitable you are toward others: I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say an unkind thing about anyone, ever; no snide remarks, no cutting comments. (Well, maybe Ms. Howard the math teacher, but I didn’t much like her either!) I am going to miss your presence around the house, especially when I think of those great qualities, and your beautiful smile, and the handsome lines of your face.
As you go out in the world, quite literally, I hope you’ll go with God. I feel reticent to say much in that regard, for fear of putting you off -- after all, not too many eighteen year olds want to hear their moms start talking religion, just as they are departing to start their own adult lives! I know my spiritual journey has been somewhat foreign to you, and I’m not sure what you’ve made of it. As I’ve experienced God for myself, I’ve not wanted to force anything down your throat, so perhaps I’ve erred on the side of leaving that topic out of discussion with you. But you were given to God in baptism, and I have faith that he will be with you all the way. I imagine in your brushes with death you’ve had opportunity to ponder God’s presence in your life...I know I have. I wish for you, and pray for you, that you’ll find God to be a real presence in your life, not just some theological concept, or some ancient relic, or worse yet, an irrelevancy. We miss God daily; he is there in all our moments, but rarely do we recognize him in them (often until some big event or tragedy). I have every faith that you’ll learn to recognize God more and more, and you’ll increasingly orient your life toward him. I expect there will be ups and downs, but I’m confident of the basic trajectory.
Enjoy your time in Australia! Take pictures, at least in your mind. Remember or write down stories of things that happen so you can tell me all about it. Be curious and learn new things. Explore places I’ve only seen pictures of. (It is so weird to know that so much will happen to you in the coming months that I have no part in. I guess that’s just like any child going away to college or whatever...it seems stranger somehow, since it is a whole world away!) I don’t want to diminish any of my optimistic advice by saying: Be careful! My apprehensions for your safety are many! I’m trying not to dwell on them, but they are there, urging me to strap a helmet on you. For life. Please dear Grayson, I couldn’t bear something happening to you so far away. Life is so fragile, and yours is so inexpressibly precious to me. Protect it.
Please keep in touch with us. Let us know you arrive safely, both by phone and by e-mail if possible, and keep us informed about your whereabouts. Maybe I’ll figure out how to do instant messenger (if you get an internet connection), or you can always post on Mackenzie’s facebook and I’ll see it. Keep ID on you all the time; the world is a bit crazy with terrorists and tsunamis, you know. That’s all the maternal advice I can stand, and probably more than you wanted!
Just know that I love you. You’ll probably have to be a parent yourself before you can understand just how much; maybe down the road when you’re holding your own little child, you’ll remember what I’m saying to you now about this sea of emotions, and you’ll realize, “Ah, this is what mom meant!”

Perfect Day

What could have been better than yesterday at the beach? The sky is clear and the air is sweatshirt cool. The surf is unusually quiet. The air smells fresh. We sleep late, then Bill and I go on a bike ride up to the pizza parlor, and stop by the art gallery on the way back. I find the title of a book I want to get by Frederich Buechner, and also the name of a glassblower that I might want to follow up with. We enjoy the quiet sunshine. Monarch migration is in full swing, and there are hundreds heading south along the coast. I want to look up more information about them because it seems incomprehensible that such fragile creatures can make such a lengthy trek. Zeus amuses us, and himself, chasing butterfly shadows along the beach....as soon as he loses sight of one, another one comes along. For dinner, we go to a BBQ at the home of Tom K....he has a lovely reproduction farmhouse, complete with tin roof, along the creek. Lovely marshviews, delicious roasted pig on the spit (with cracklins!), meeting new people, beginning to feel like a part of the community, even if we are only occasional visitors.

Yearly Exam

How can life get better than the annual gynecological exam? I went to a new doctor today, who happens to be a friend of mine. Maybe because of that, she took lots of time talking with me. She had an idea for my future. I mentioned that I felt like I needed to DO something now that kids were growing up and older, and that in my past I had wanted to be a doctor, but had subrogated that desire to my desire to have a family. (I guess at the time I felt like they were mutually exclusive, and I didn't have any encouragement to go in that direction. Now I'd probably go for it, if I had the decision to make again.) She said I should think about being an ultrasound tech: the pay is OK, the hours are totally flexible, they are always in demand, and it just takes a year to get certified. It's in the medical field, but doesn't require the investment, at my age, that being a doctor or nurse would. It's a thought. I'll have to research that a bit. I just feel the need to move into the greater world from my own little home, and the choices are overwhelming.

Oh, I have another blog I've been posting to, and I am having trouble deciding which one to pursue. But anything that happened in my life over the past year is there