This has been a painful weekend for me. It started on Friday when I delivered a written message to my mother. Rather than mailing her this letter, which I thought would be cold, I had a nice visit with her and then as I was winding up to leave, I told her I had written her a response to her request that I "prayerfully read" a book she had given me. She asked, "Did you read it?" I replied, honestly, "No." She welled up with tears.
My history with mom is 42 years long. She's a dear woman and a good mother. But she's perennially disappointed in anyone who does not tow the line of her making. Control is such a part of her nature that she mistakes it for love. She doesn't really know how to love without control. Imagine her disappointment when, after a lifetime of Presbyterian Church (including Presbyterian college), I challenged my religion and found it lacking. Fortunately, I was able to salvage it by reimagining it in a Catholic skin. So I'm in the process of becoming a Catholic.
Since revealing this to my parents, my mom (she's more of the controller of the two) has gone to my friends, my children, my husband....anyone... to try to talk me out of this. She's given me a book ("Traditional Protestantism") and has left anti-Catholic books conveniently scattered throughout her house. At first, she believed that I was being influenced by someone to do this. Now she's changed her tune and she's sure that I'm "enamored" with all the liturgy and ritual and finery of the Catholic Church. But her provincial view is that one CANNOT be led by God into the Catholic Church. In fact, Friday she swore she would go to her grave convinced that I was rebelling against the Truth.
I think to myself how grateful she should be that I'm a Catholic. I could have lost my faith entirely....I've watched some of my friends at the same juncture and this IS what happened to them. Or I could have cobbled together a faith that was very liberal (in mom's parlance), something that her sisters did and she never got over. Or I could have found faith outside of Christianity. But, grateful she is not.
Interestingly, during the conversation Friday she admitted that she had been praying for me and God had told her to 'humble yourself and in due time, you will be lifted up'. I think she imagines this "lifting up" meaning that I would come to my senses and re-embrace her version of faith. But I wonder....maybe humbling means coming to a place of admitting that maybe the Presbyterians don't have the corner on the truth that she imagines. But far be it from me to speak for God!
Among the things my mother told me were:
-in her life, her greatest sorrows were her brother (who molested her) and my turn to Catholicism. So I'm up there with a pervert in causing my mother sorrow. Gee, I even beat out my brother, who abused drugs for 15 years before being run over and killed by a bus.
- I'm rebelling not only against her (when is it OK to just be an adult, I must wonder?) I'm rebelling against the Truth. I wonder how she is so sure her version is the Truth....is it because it is Her version? Would her world crack and shatter if she leared that another religion had it right? Isn't this just a tinge of spiritual pride? I mean, I don't want to accuse, but it sure seems a bit confident to say that one's little denomination is the last bastion on earth of the Truth.
- Catholics are corrupt ("The Church is corrupt! It has ALWAYS been corrupt!") and they are idolators. Therefore, what could possibly be the eternal destiny of someone who wants to join up with such ilk??
Anyway. I held it together pretty well the rest of Friday, but Friday night the dam broke, and I felt the isolation that her words conveyed. I'm not the same inside. It is amazing how much, no matter one's age, one wants validation, blessing, affirmation from one's parents. Steeling myself for such rejection took all my emotional resources so Saturday I walked around with puffy eyes, and just wanted to be left alone. Thank God my husband is supportive of me. I am not sure without him I'd be able to swim upstream to find a faith that really works for me. In fact, he told me that I should try to avoid any conversations about the matter without him there to back me up. He's pretty good at unvarnished communication.
My bottom line is, mom and dad need to accept and respect my faith, whether they agree with it or not. Mom needs to lay off trying to manipulate and control the outcome to her desired ends. If she has faith in God anyway, why not just leave it in His hands? Unless they can make this attitude adjustment, there is going to be a lot more distance in the relationship than there is now. I am not willing to live awaiting her approbation.
Unless something comes up, I'll be joining the Catholic Church at Easter vigil this year. And it's likely my husband will join me.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Life lately
I've been so remiss to update this blog. It's a hard habit for me to get into.
Scattered occurences:
- I'm doing better with my new year's resolve to eat healthily. OK, at yesterday's wedding reception I did eat a lot of cheese biscuits. And a bucket of popcorn at the movie last night. But... What I"m trying is to eat no more than one lunch and one dinner out over the course of a week. I'm also trying a more static meal plan to keep costs down, so that I may offset buying organic. Now that we have a large organic grocery store nearby that seems a doable goal. I'm not perfect, but I'm doing better.
- My son who applied to Catholic school wrote the headmaster a note saying he realized that St.J's would be better for his long term interests than the public school his friends were heading to. The headmaster had asked him to drop him a note indicating that he was willing to give it a chance (since in his admissions essay he stated that he was being made to attend there!) When I asked him about the note, he said, "Well, if I'm going to be going there, I figured I might as well have a good attitude about it." Tonight a girl from St.J's IMed him (he showed me the log) to tell him that all the girls at St.J's thought he was really "hot". How did she get his screen name? Poor kid. Enviable problem, though. Everywhere he goes, girls feed his ego like crazy. I just hope he can handle it without becoming obnoxious. He's always been a cutie, and the girls have always noticed him. But now that his voice is changing, and he's 6'0" (at age 13), and his face is becoming more angular (and he's got a short haircut now that really shows it off)....he really is a head-turner. Dear Lord, deliver him from fast women!
- DH told me yesterday that he is at peace with joining the Catholic Church. Scrape me off the pavement! I've been heading in that direction for a few years, but never encouraged him along the same path. So apart from influence from me, he started attending the classes this year. I figured it was just curiousity, because I don't think he really knows all the doctrine, etc. But .... maybe God doesn't lead through a doctrinal jungle; maybe some people just come because for whatever reasons, it is attractive to them.
- I'm finding a new calling in helping my friends "flylady" their houses. www.flylady.com I've so far helped 2 friends declutter their homes, and I have two this week set up. Of course, as I type, my desk is covered with three 12" stacks of crap. It's so much easier to toss other people's junk than it is one's own!
- I miss my 16 year old. I don't feel like I have good points of contact with him, and he's not around the house much. I'm not sure what to do. I wish he had more points of contact with dh, but they also are on two different wavelengths. I want him to have his life, and enjoy it. I just wish there were more intersections with my life. Dinnertime (when he's here) is about it.
- I don't have any good books I'm reading right now. I think I"ll start my book club selection now. I usually have a stack I want to get to, but not now. I'm reading Michael Crichton's newest, but I'm not finding it very compelling. The last three or four I've started, I've just dropped for lack of interest (The Strange Case of Jonathan Norrell, Rule of Four, some Maeve Binchy paperback, as well as my entire nonfiction pile). I want a book that I'm dying to pick up, and I haven't had that in a long time.
Scattered occurences:
- I'm doing better with my new year's resolve to eat healthily. OK, at yesterday's wedding reception I did eat a lot of cheese biscuits. And a bucket of popcorn at the movie last night. But... What I"m trying is to eat no more than one lunch and one dinner out over the course of a week. I'm also trying a more static meal plan to keep costs down, so that I may offset buying organic. Now that we have a large organic grocery store nearby that seems a doable goal. I'm not perfect, but I'm doing better.
- My son who applied to Catholic school wrote the headmaster a note saying he realized that St.J's would be better for his long term interests than the public school his friends were heading to. The headmaster had asked him to drop him a note indicating that he was willing to give it a chance (since in his admissions essay he stated that he was being made to attend there!) When I asked him about the note, he said, "Well, if I'm going to be going there, I figured I might as well have a good attitude about it." Tonight a girl from St.J's IMed him (he showed me the log) to tell him that all the girls at St.J's thought he was really "hot". How did she get his screen name? Poor kid. Enviable problem, though. Everywhere he goes, girls feed his ego like crazy. I just hope he can handle it without becoming obnoxious. He's always been a cutie, and the girls have always noticed him. But now that his voice is changing, and he's 6'0" (at age 13), and his face is becoming more angular (and he's got a short haircut now that really shows it off)....he really is a head-turner. Dear Lord, deliver him from fast women!
- DH told me yesterday that he is at peace with joining the Catholic Church. Scrape me off the pavement! I've been heading in that direction for a few years, but never encouraged him along the same path. So apart from influence from me, he started attending the classes this year. I figured it was just curiousity, because I don't think he really knows all the doctrine, etc. But .... maybe God doesn't lead through a doctrinal jungle; maybe some people just come because for whatever reasons, it is attractive to them.
- I'm finding a new calling in helping my friends "flylady" their houses. www.flylady.com I've so far helped 2 friends declutter their homes, and I have two this week set up. Of course, as I type, my desk is covered with three 12" stacks of crap. It's so much easier to toss other people's junk than it is one's own!
- I miss my 16 year old. I don't feel like I have good points of contact with him, and he's not around the house much. I'm not sure what to do. I wish he had more points of contact with dh, but they also are on two different wavelengths. I want him to have his life, and enjoy it. I just wish there were more intersections with my life. Dinnertime (when he's here) is about it.
- I don't have any good books I'm reading right now. I think I"ll start my book club selection now. I usually have a stack I want to get to, but not now. I'm reading Michael Crichton's newest, but I'm not finding it very compelling. The last three or four I've started, I've just dropped for lack of interest (The Strange Case of Jonathan Norrell, Rule of Four, some Maeve Binchy paperback, as well as my entire nonfiction pile). I want a book that I'm dying to pick up, and I haven't had that in a long time.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Epiphany
Yesterday was Epiphany.
The beginning of something. Of God being available to the gentiles, not to just one particular people. That's what the significance of the Wise Men is, I think. That God is bigger than a small corner of Palestine, or a small corner of modern Christendom, can hold. He shines with a star as a herald (a star is remote, but certainly out there for all to see), and people keep looking for him.
And the end of another. The end of a season. Christmas is over, and so is the holiday break. It is back to the salt mines this morning, back to the routines, back to the new year's resolutions, back to normal life. There is a part of me that would like to hold on to the holiday, but another that is grateful for the normal routines of everyday life. Holidays are great, but everyday cannot nor should be a holiday.
So today, I embrace the ordinary, while reflecting upon the Extraordinary. They both have their place. I'll do my laundry, and run my errands, and tidy up my corner of the globe. And surrounding it all, woven within the molecular spaces of my life, there will be a Presence that I do not feel or see. But it Is. And it's that Divine pervasiveness upon whom I wait. To let me perceive, or not. Epiphany doesn't come every day, after all.
The beginning of something. Of God being available to the gentiles, not to just one particular people. That's what the significance of the Wise Men is, I think. That God is bigger than a small corner of Palestine, or a small corner of modern Christendom, can hold. He shines with a star as a herald (a star is remote, but certainly out there for all to see), and people keep looking for him.
And the end of another. The end of a season. Christmas is over, and so is the holiday break. It is back to the salt mines this morning, back to the routines, back to the new year's resolutions, back to normal life. There is a part of me that would like to hold on to the holiday, but another that is grateful for the normal routines of everyday life. Holidays are great, but everyday cannot nor should be a holiday.
So today, I embrace the ordinary, while reflecting upon the Extraordinary. They both have their place. I'll do my laundry, and run my errands, and tidy up my corner of the globe. And surrounding it all, woven within the molecular spaces of my life, there will be a Presence that I do not feel or see. But it Is. And it's that Divine pervasiveness upon whom I wait. To let me perceive, or not. Epiphany doesn't come every day, after all.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Omens
Why do people, married 22 years, still find themselves fighting over the same old stuff? Why is it that despite years of trying to address problems, some subjects are so rife with minefields that they become too delicate to tackle? Money, sex, children, religion, politics, family.... who wants to bring up misunderstandings on those subjects?
After having a great 2004, in which I felt like dh and I had turned a real corner, I found myself on New Year's Eve wondering if we hadn't just gone around the block, and returned to exactly the same spot. So rather than a romantic, or fun, or wild, or exotic, or ... whatever kind of new year celebration floats your boat, we went icily to bed before awaking at midnight to dig our teeth into a fight. Hurt. Blame. Defensiveness. Mischaracterization. Retreat. Snarling. Sniffling. Trying. Failing. Praying. Withdrawing.
In the morning we tried again to get things understood and resolved. It took 30 minutes of sitting in silence because no one wanted to be the first to get the ball rolling. Maybe there is progress, since we did eventually get to a point of digging for the roots, of understanding, of apologizing.
I'm just left wondering what kind of an omen this is?
After having a great 2004, in which I felt like dh and I had turned a real corner, I found myself on New Year's Eve wondering if we hadn't just gone around the block, and returned to exactly the same spot. So rather than a romantic, or fun, or wild, or exotic, or ... whatever kind of new year celebration floats your boat, we went icily to bed before awaking at midnight to dig our teeth into a fight. Hurt. Blame. Defensiveness. Mischaracterization. Retreat. Snarling. Sniffling. Trying. Failing. Praying. Withdrawing.
In the morning we tried again to get things understood and resolved. It took 30 minutes of sitting in silence because no one wanted to be the first to get the ball rolling. Maybe there is progress, since we did eventually get to a point of digging for the roots, of understanding, of apologizing.
I'm just left wondering what kind of an omen this is?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
