Dona Nobis Pacem

It started on Sunday that I was aware of. It probably started before then. But I knew something in my spirit was moving, and that was a welcome change. I went to mass and as I knelt there thinking and praying, I knew that I was withholding my own peace. I was struck with how easy it was to say "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us", but how very hard to do; how very hard to feel that forgiveness is the right thing to do, to feel disposed to offer it, to realize that forgiveness is just as much about my own happiness as it is about the other's. That's what started stirring on Sunday.

On Tuesday my friend Beth and I went out playing for the day. I told her to stop by B&N so I could pick up a book I'd had but misplaced. I had been thinking on Monday about when I had been happiest in my marriage...truly happy. It dawned on me that it was when I had given up controlling my dh. I had read a book at the time (called, The Surrendered Wife -- a title I hate, but a book that made a profound impact on my life) and had applied it to my own marriage. This was shortly after I'd started trying to reduce the control I had been exerting on my children. I had been happiest in my marriage at two points in time: the 22 months from June 05-April 07 and prior to that back in 03, when I had applied the Surrendered Wife to my marriage. Those times were the happiest.

It all started to click in my mind. He's the same guy as he was for the 22 months. He has some issues that likely won't change; that's my reality. But just as real were the 22 months when his issues just really didn't show up much. I wonder if there's something I'm doing unconsciously that's precipitating his issues showing up after almost 2 years? Hmmm. He complains that I'm trying to control him, and have been controlling for some time (he just hasn't mentioned it). Is it possible that the only thing that's standing between myself and my own happiness in marriage is ... moi? That if I can just offer forgiveness for his screwing up back in April, AND refresh myself on giving up being a controlling wife, and really listen to him... that I (and he) would be happy again?

I prayed the rosary for the healing of my marriage.

I re-read the book. I saw myself in the pages, and I saw his blowing up in the pages....one quote that jumped out to me was: "Men show up for their roles as fathers in a completely different way once they feel respected by their wives. Even in cases where a man is verbally abusive. Children are less likely to be punished inappropriately, and more likely to be attended to generously when their father feels respected by his wife. Perhaps this is because kids are easy targets for misplaced anger. For example if a man is angry with his wife for being bossy and domineering (ouch), he might try to keep the peace by saying nothing to her. In the meantime, the anger that was never properly vented seeps out as inappropriate outbursts at the children. This is terribly unfair, but it's also very human." What if I believed Bill, as I said I wanted him to believe me? What if he is being a typical human and not a monster? What if I start appreciating the same man who was so fabulous a husband earlier? Could the answer really be as simple as giving up the resentment, giving up the control, giving up? Could that bring about intimacy and happiness and relief and warmth?

I brushed up on how to be a pleasant person again. I brushed up on my phrases: "Whatever you think", "Ouch", "Thank you", "I want...", "I can't...." I started focusing on my self-care: practicing art, practicing yoga, taking baths, etc. (All these are discussed in the book.)

That was on Wednesday. Wednesday night while fixing dinner M mentioned a really nice restaurant in town where he had worked. I commented "I want to go there sometime." Behind me I heard dh say, "How about Friday night?"

On Thursday night he said, "Wanna take a walk?" Even though I didn't really (it was late, I wanted to watch a movie) I said, "Sure, whatever you think." He talked and shared with me about work and his life and what had been on his mind, and how he was working hard for a client in exchange for a trip to Hong Kong together. He watched the movie with me after walking, and stayed awake till the end.

This morning I got up from bed and there was a note on the floor beside the bed along the lines of "Hope you slept well. You look too peaceful to disturb. I love you."

I have hardly said a word. I haven't tried to communicate, fight, write about my feelings, get him to go somewhere he doesn't want to go, resolve any issues. I just forgave him and started treating him like a forgiven person. I can't speak for anyone else, but it's working for me. And I'm relieved.

Fun day

Today at the top of my calendar it says "Fun Day: art? tennis? something with the kids?"
Last night we fought a long time. You name it, we covered it. Same old arguments. Same old blindnesses (on both our parts).
Today is not a fun day. It is a set the phone on silent and crawl back in bed and wonder if the next 25 years will be as hard day.

Movement

We have movement. I journalled last night, which led to a conversation this morning, which seems to be moving things along(glacially, but nonetheless...) Here's my journal:

I'm sorry you feel that I've not shared myself with you, or that I've hidden parts of myself to the point that you're not sure who exactly I am anmore! As I've been thinking about this I've tried to understand where you're coming from, how it is that I've conveyed that, what it is that is or isn't true in the assessment, and why.
I don't think there are simple answers but let me try to at least take a stab.
I'm trying to understadn where you're coing from...I think it would be frightening to feel like your spouse is uinknown to you. It would engender insecurity, confusion, even suspicion. Those are all things I've observed in you, and so I realize now that this uncertainty is probably where, at least to some degree, they arise from. I would hate to feel that way about you, that I didn't know you anymore! So I really hate it that you are feeling that way about me, and I'm sorry for my part in making it happen. I feel a need to reiterate that I love you. YOU. Irrespective of what you think or how you look or anything peripheral to YOU. I realize now that I've conveyed to you that I'm unknown to you--springing decisions on you, not including you in the processing of my ideas.... etc.... I see how, especially taken together , that could convey that I have "moved on" or have deliberately obfuscated myself. I see how that could leave you standing on spongey ground, scratching your head wondering. I'm truly sorry.
I've tried to ask myself why. Do I want to be know and understood by you? Yes, that's been a persistent theme over our marriage. And so why is it, I ask myself, that I've been vague (consciously or un-)?
- Change = Disequilibrium. My views over the last ten years have morphed and changed. Usually the changes have been subtle -- a different slant on an issue rather than a complete 180. Or I've read articles that have initiated shifts in thinking. But in a relationship such as ours, which has had its share of tensions and ups and downs, disequilibrium isn't something you go looking for! So I've avoided the changes (slight or profound) in order not to introduce even more for us to deal with.
- I've felt your lack of curiosity. It used to hurt me. Maybe over time I just came to grips with it. I stopped expecting it. Maybe I even talked myself out of wanting it. In order to "let you off the hook" of my expectations, I turned to people who were curious about me. Real-life and online friends filled the gap. My mom/sister/dad weren't curious about me, and didn't really want to know the real me anyway if it conflicted with who they wanted me to be. I didn't (don't) put you in that category. I just figured you had other things on your mind, you are a bottom-line kind of guy, you aren't the greatest at being a listening/questioning conversational partner ...whatever. In that sense I did "move on" -- I found and surrounded myself with people who would ask, share, encourage, converse, etc. It's not that you won't or can't or don't do those things; its just that you don't often get "in the zone" with me or initiate it. I "moved on" in the sense that I didn't want to put the expectation on you and be diappointed in you. You shouldn't be expected to do it all, so I told myself to stop expecting.
- I've experienced this with the Catholic conversion. So often, when you make a change, those who don't make the change take your change as a repudiation of them and their cherished beliefs. When in fact it isn't about them or their beliefs at all. As a Catholic I don't disrespect the views of Presbyterians. I respect those who hold them, especially if their faith's been tested, especially when I see they've been sustained by their faith, especially when I see it lived out with authenticity. But you stated that you felt like I don't respect you or your views, that I feel like I've "moved on", that I'm more enlightened, that perhaps I look down on you? Whatever topic it is that I've thought through and had my opinions altered... it isn't a repudiation. I haven't shared a whole lot about those shifts because I didn't want you to feel defensive about your own views, nor did I want you to feel like I thought you "should" think differently about things than you do.
- Sometimes (often) when you share an opinon about something you state it so unequivocally, with such certainty, that it doesn't seem an alternate point of view would be welcome. I don't want to argue, and I don't want a discussion of ideas to be taken personally by you. I don't want to be challenged to produce documentation or proof texts. So when you state something in that unequivocal way, and I have a slightly or completely contrary POV, I just don't say anything. After all, I tell myself, it's fine with me whatever you tink -- I'm not trying to change your mind. But as far as taking it as an opportunity for you to get to know me better, no. I don't engage.
- Along a similar vein, I never know if yours is a well-researched POV, or just the view you've always had, or just a top-of-your-head comment. whether it's not crucial or whether it is a cherished belief. You seem to me often to be "unanimous". You have a pretty well-delineated set of assumptions from which you view things and it doesn't feel like there's much room fo alternate viewpoints, shades of gray, room for discussion. For someone like myself, who loves the exploration, loves seeing the other side's POV, who loves encountering variety, who is more predisposed to appreciating the gray areas -- for someone like me, you're an intimidating person to converse with. It's easier to smile and be quiet.
- Individuation. Maybe it's midlife... but there's an urge in me to learn what it means to be ME. Not as a repudiation of being wife, mother, daughter, etc -- but just as an affirmation of who I am apart from those relationships. Perhaps that urge toward individuation has left me more satisfied working things out in my own mind, more content to think my own thoughts ... and unintentionally I've left you out. I don't want you "out of my loop" but I can see how it may have happened.

....

Anyway, this led to some more discussion, more examples, etc. I'm feeling a glimmer of hope that we can weather this, even if it's slow and cumbersome.

So why'd you go and pick a fight?

I don't get it. We start having a perfectly good conversation (a little shallow, but with potential) and you go and abruptly change the subject, and then start accusing me of not really saying what's on my mind (when I honestly admitted the subject you were now discussing wasn't really interesting to me), and poof. Before you know it, the goodwill's gone, my desire to sit around and be picked apart is way past gone, and I walk away. And you twist everything to sound like I was the one making a big deal out of the conversation. So I'm sure, somehow it will be my fault in the morning, if we get around to ever actually talking about it, which you won't. If it gets talked about it will be because I bring it up.

Listen, I tried. I tried to believe the best. I tried to meet you halfway. I tried to listen and take to heart. But this picking a fight shit is ridiculous. I'm going to the counselor Monday; join me if you want to. I won't hold my breath.

Thank you for finally listening to me

It's been five weeks since all this crap fell out, and a day hasn't gone by that I haven't cried, or else willed myself not to. I told you today that it was like our marriage had a broken leg, and you were expecting us to keep going without it being properly set. It's not been that I'm dwelling on the past, or unwilling to forgive and move on, or that I've just overreacted. Until today, those were your sentiments. So thank you for taking me seriously that I'm really crippled here, and that unless we plow through these things, we're going to continue to hobble along on our bum leg. Thank you for holding me and listening while I tried to explain stuff, and for not interrupting me, or refuting me, or asking leading questions. Thanks for not bristling. Thanks even for not replying. I have no idea how my comments struck you, but it was so nice to just get them all out there without censure; I know the bone isn't set yet, that you will have to respond and we will have hashing through it to do. But I felt heard. It opened the window for a little bit of trust to come back into what has been a cold and lonely house. I miss you horribly.

And thank you for being the fabulous father I've known from June05-April07 tonight. You were great talking with Grayson tonight about his accidents and self-destructive life. You were reassuring, and perceptive, and gentle, and humble. That's the man and father and husband and friend and lover that I just adore, the one I had gotten used to. The one I trust.

What I feel like saying

I'm not actually SAYING it, exactly. But it's what I FEEL like saying. I'm sure there's a big difference.

You win. You obviously have a superhuman ability to ignore the obvious and go on living.
I don't.
So based on the last two weeks (and the times earlier in our marriage...OK, maybe almost the entirety of our marriage) I figure you could go on indefinitely like this. It's power by withdrawal. And you win.
You haven't moved out. You haven't initiated seeing a counselor. Heck, you haven't initiated a conversation.


You have me beat on economic advantage, willpower and silence. You've lost my trust and I'm afraid that it might be irreparably so. I hope not, but I'm fearful.

I can't go on living in a cold house. So I guess I'll have to come up with some sort of a compromise system on my own in order to live. I've got to figure out how it works to live together as a dependent person, without trust, while remaining true to oneself. Wow! That's a tough order.

My compromise would look like this:
I'd like to start enjoying what I do enjoy about you, so I'd suggest we start to talk again and be pleasant. This wouldn't be the same as unity, oneness, or intimacy of course. But it could be friendship and companionability, I suppose. Of course, there wouldn't be acts of intimacy, so it would amount to a sort of a separation. But under the same roof. Maybe just acknowleging this arrangement would clear the air, define our expectations, and allow at least pleasantness to return, and open the possibility for the cold air to dissipate.
Meanwhile, I'd pursue my goals, ideas and dreams while you pursue yours. I don't see a way, without trust and intimacy, to pursue joint goals.
I imagine when we disagree we will just fight.

Maybe eventually the separation and fights will take their toll, and we'll actually separate under two roofs. Maybe we'll decide to go to counselliing to try to find our way back to each other, to trust, to intimacy; and we'll finally realize the potential that this marriage has always had. Maybe some crisis will come along that will force us to go one direction (divorce) or the other (marriage, really).

But that's just what I FEEL like saying today. I'm not really saying it though.

status update

Unsettled. I guess that's where we are now. We've said our peace, and there's no real reconciliation of two divergent viewpoints. So where do you go from there? Do we learn to live together and value the differences (my view, and what I feel like we've been doing for the past 1 year, 10 months) or does it get ugly and cold as power struggles --real or imagined-- ensue? At least there's been communication, but even that feels so different from only two weeks ago. Could it really have been only that short a time since I was so happy?

We have an 'event' tonight downtown. What would have been called a date two weeks ago.... in fact, he emailed me an invitation to go with him to it. Tonight, what is it: A mutual obligation? A shared social experience? An uncomfortable occupation of the same place on the planet? A date? I HATE these questions. I want to find the happiness of our 'second marriage'... not regress to this all-too-familiar 'first marriage'. I want him to realize what's driving his current unhappiness with us. I miss him.

Thanks for removing this from your blogroll. I don't mind the ones who are currently here being here...I'm just not out there fishing for readers. Especially ones that might find me from the 365 readership. I invite everyone there...

Happiness is illusory

The marital bliss I've been in the last almost-two years has been a lie. I didn't know it was a lie. I was actually happy. Very happy. I thought that feeling was mutual. I no longer lived in fear, or eggshells, or manipulation. I was moving toward positive goals, toward a positive future. That came to a screeching halt with some pretty deep-seated ugliness this weekend. The hard part now is that I've tasted how good it can be, how deeply I can love this person. I know I cannot go back to the way it was exactly two years ago. We've had all these conversations before. I can't go back to believing what I don't believe. I won't go back to living in fear. And I won't let my kids bear what they shouldn't have to. And he's as determined as ever...as determined as he was two years ago... and so I know the cold nights I have ahead of me if I stay. It is seeming more and more irreconcilable. I lived in hope, but now I'm living with a bitter reality. I'm beyond sad, and beyond tears, really. It all came crumbling down. And now I have no idea what the future holds for us. None. Will I go back to grad school, or will I have to get a job? Will I grow old with this man, or will I call the attorney? I dunno.

If for some reason you list this blog in your blogroll, please remove it. I want this to be a private place where only those who are already connected to it may view. Thanks.

So far, Easter's really a bust.

Bill and I had words last night following an incident with M (in which he stayed out most of the night after telling us he'd be home at 12-1). When I arrived last night at our date, opening night at the baseball stadium, I knew something wasn't right. He was upset with me. So rather than move into pretend mode, I confronted it after we dropped the kids, as we sat in the parking lot. That didn't get us anywhere, and I left in my car and came home without ever entering the ballpark. Bill stayed behind with the kids. I was hoping for an apology when he got home, but it didn't quite play like that. But we did have a long talk to try to get things on better footing. At the end of the night, though, a few things were clearer.
- He has resented for some time that we are not "on the same page" about parenting. This was surprising to me, as we've gone through the past difficult year without conflict, even though we've both viewed things from different perspectives. I've thought that it has worked well: I give him respect and space to operate from his assumptions, and I've felt respected enough to operate from my own assumptions. With goodwill, patience, and good communication, I think our parenting has gone really well. So I'm looking at the situation with nothing but positive feelings, and he's looking at the same situation with negative feelings.
- He is operating from a patriarchal viewpoint (he is the head of the household), and I'm not. That viewpoint is one of the things I jettisoned when I was getting rid of "belief systems that don't work for me". Since jettisoning it, I've felt greater personal responsibility toward my family, greater freedom to know my own mind in a matter, greater authentic respect for Bill, and greater self-respect. He wants very much for me to believe the same way I did; he carries the weight of "responsibility for having the "end-of-the-day last word", and sees that scenario as the way conflicts should be handled (wherein he solicits and evaluates my advice, but if he doesn't go along with it, he makes the final decision based on his own conscience.) I haven't operated that way in several years.
- He has some strange attachment to a midnight curfew being the litmus test of whether I'm supporting him or not. If I can't wholeheartedly buy into it (or at least act to the children like I do), I'm not perceived as supportive, nevermind all the other ways in which I am GENUINELY supportive (with no faking it). I can't buy in. And it's disingenuous to fake some kind of concord I don't have.
- When I have a goal or take a first step on something that is foreign to him (not something he'd enjoy or choose), he is not my cheerleader. As long as it is theoretical he IS, he tells me I can do anything! Or if it's a goal that he believes in, he's fabulously supportive! But when I memorized a monologue and went to an audition, he was very cold to that idea. So for the sake of peace, I gave up on that idea (and because it wasn't a burning passion, but an interest). Now I'm going to my visit with the grad school professor about starting grad school, and he's offering -- instead of a "Go get 'em! You'll do great!" -- a reserved, dispassionate "objective" questioner stance. "I'm not understanding WHY you want this; I'm not seeing that this is the result of a long-held dream; I'm not sure WHAT you're searching for, and what's driving it, and what you want to get out of it".

I really could have used the attagirl.

Looking back on the summer

DS is home from the hospital, and is doing much much better. He finally (FINALLY!) seems to have turned the corner. He's returned to school.

Parent orientation tonight at Catholic school. Wow. Dh and I are trying to scrape our jaws off the ground, we're so impressed with everything about the place.

DD calls home every day, and we chit chat about life, in a comfortable way that we didn't when she lived here. All her friends are gay, apparently. She is in the midst of figuring out life. God, hold her hand, because I cannot. We get along beautifully, and of all my children she seems the most grateful for every little thing. Funny, at age 11, it seemed we could never do enough for her, she always demanded more; how she's changed.

Hurricane victims started arriving by plane in town yesterday; our city is housing at least 1000, if the news has the facts right.

DH and I still have the most wonderful marriage. It's been an amazing turnaround. I didn't even blog about this, I guess thinking it might not be for real. But sometime in the middle of June everything turned around. Lots of tears and lots of sleepless nights, and much angst....but everything is different now. We are making the marriage we never had for 22 years. No resentments; no hesitations; no covering things and ignoring things and stuffing things. Just the truth. Just goodwill. It is hard to believe.

We are moving to another house on the 23rd. I have no idea how it is actually going to happen, but I guess it will!

Bill and 2 of the boys have taken to riding their bikes after dark every night. Younger ds was very fearful at first, but now is learning to really like night rides.

I finished another painting today...that's three since school started. I love taking a class because it makes me actually get something done! I did one of clouds (that I gave to my sister and bil for their birthdays), one of a little church in Alaska, and this latest one is of Gettysburg (farmhouse in a field). I've gotta move away from landscapes for awhile now.

Life changed

I see that it has been since May that I posted.
I feel like that was almost like another lifetime ago. Isn't that crazy?
Sometime between when we gave up on our marriage and decided to go on the planned cruise with our kids (but then we'd probably separate after that) and pulling back into Port Canaveral after 7 days at sea....somewhere in there, God brought healing.

Maybe it started when we went to Father Newman, and he told us there could be no fundamental change to our marriage, because we would always fundamentally be the same people. Maybe it started when we agreed to postpone arguments on the cruise for the sake of the children. (We DIDN'T postpone arguments, but we previously agreed to, and maybe that agreement was part of the healing). Maybe it was just admitting to God in prayer that I didn't have the stuff to stay in it anymore, that enough was enough. I really cannot say. But the cruise certainly marked a turning point.

We fought and fought, knowing that the alternative was an end to 'us'. That brings a focus to the fighting....it became a sense that we were fighting FOR us -- for the survival of our marriage-- rather than against each other. It was hard, so hard that I remember nights where we were too tired to physically lift our heads off the pillow to kiss and makeup at the end of it. The Kleenex ran out. Our voices became hoarse whispers. But we made it through to the next day having resolved some small piece of the problem. We slowly realized we weren't backing down, then that we weren't giving up, then that we might just make it. We recovered trust. We recovered respect for the other's perspective. We recovered affection, and desire. Hope was truly the thing with feathers; it would flit in and out. Some days I would have no hope; some days I thought perhaps I could at least imagine having hope. And at some point, I guess I realized that I must have had hope all along, because I was in a position of looking back, realizing that I had held on. I don't know how.

I wish I could patent the process and replicate it for the benefit of others. But I cannot. It is so particular and so precious. I can only stand on the other side and know what it took from myself and from dh to get here. There are still a few niggly issues that haven't been really covered yet. And there are circumstances that uncover the same old rush of feelings....but we are different. We are able to hang on to one another, draw strength from each other, and fight through the conflict (and the desires to flee, to lash out, to withdraw, to sweep under the carpet for the sake of 'peace'). I can now say I love my husband. I really love being married to him. And it's been years since I felt that deeply, in the way I do now. Funny thing is, if you know me IRL, you'd think we had a pretty good marriage....two people who laugh frequently, who seem compatible and well suited, who have been together for over 20 years. But now, there is an immediacy and an intimacy that's never been there before. It is a costly intimacy, because the suffering we've both undergone to have it has been real enough to taste.

I pray to God that he will restore to us the years that the locusts have eaten.

Hope is good

After meeting for four hours with a friend that we both thought could offer some perspective, we came away with a lot said, and a plan for getting us started on the path back from the edge. We aren't off the edge, but we're both sensing that it is worth the work it will be to save ourselves from this hellhole we've been dancing around the rim of. The plan is this:
- Table controversy. Not forever, but just for now. Write it down to come back to later, but for the time we're on the cruise, just defer conflict till we get back. Use this trip to have fun and reconnect with one another and our children. Refuse to be drawn into anything that doesn't serve that goal. When we get back, we'll talk about the situations we've written down, but not until we get back.
- Dh needs to spend time one-on-one with this friend, searching out some of what's going on inside him.
- She suggested that I get away for a solitude of at least 2 weeks, maybe three. Alone, or perhaps with the help of a spiritual director. She observed that I need to find out who I am, unrelated to whose daughter, mother, and wife I am. She said I needed time without everyone around to rediscover the nugget of who I really am, at core. I have been wanting a spiritual director, and lo and behold, she gives me a brochure of a local ministry of spiritual direction -- that has both Catholics and Protestants on the board, and among the directors.

In the past few weeks, I've had 5 glimmers from God that he's out there, and I'm not forgotten.

One was a momentary flash of just how great a marriage ours could be...it lasted a nanosecond, but that instant was filled with images of what dh and I could look like if our marriage existed at the level it should and could. A

Another glimmer was a searing insight (in a McDonald's bathroom, along I-26, of all places): what IF there's a big ol' problem in myself and it isn't primarily dh's problem? This insight wasn't a capitulation to his perspective, but rather an opening myself up to do the internal work that I (and only I) can do.

The third glimmer was a phone call from this friend we met with, last week. I hadn't heard from her in ages, and I had spent the day in tears. Finally I threw a pair of socks on the floor and told God, "ENOUGH. I've had enough. You're going to have to do it, because I've had ENOUGH." Within a few minutes, she called, and we set up the meeting that we just attended.

The fourth glimmer was the snakebite. It really gave me a metaphor for life.

My last glimmer was the solitude/spiritual director angle our friend suggested....I had been wanting that, but didn't know where to find what I was looking for. It's almost like, if this had been a script, it would have tied itself up too neatly to be believed. But it isn't a script, it's my life. And somehow all these threads wove together to lead me to a spiritual director.

Views of Reality

Dh and I finally talked last night.
I'm not sure it made me feel any better.
Here's his take:
1. Through hours of prayer he's come to believe that his outbursts are not anger, but frustration with me.
2. What he says does not matter to me.
3. I am defensive, and he believes it is because I have something to hide.
4. If I observe my belief that something he says is incorrect, it is proof of #2.
5. Therefore he cannot talk to me, with any hope of anything good coming of it.

Here's my take:
1. It's not me who is throwing pans and hitting people. So let's keep that in mind.
2. He has such an ability to sublimate pain and to dissociate from the pain of reality, that he in actuality 'splits.'
3. He has such abuse (sexual, physical, verbal) in his childhood, which he has only recently come to remember the full horror of, that it colors all his observations.
4. I recoil from his anger, frustration, and shame both in its outward forms (tantrums, harshness) and its quiet forms (passive aggressive behaviors, blaming the victim).
5. Therefore, I cannot talk to him, with any hope of anything good coming of it.

I wonder how this marriage can weather this.

Snakebite

Something happened yesterday that I think is a metaphor, if God indeed sends metaphors into our lives.

Dh went adventure racing this past weekend. He came home Sunday afternoon, showered, slept from 5pm to 7 am, and went to work. After work he went to the gym, realized that his ankle was killing him, and looked down. Lo and behold, 4 fang marks. Then it all came back to him. He had been racing Saturday night on his bike. He was pushing his bike up a hill and suddenly his ankle felt like it was on fire. He commented on it, but did not bother to think WHY it might be burning so badly; the race was taking all his concentration, so he compartmentalized the pain away to get back to later. He didn't think about it again until at the gym two days later. We looked on the internet last night, and learned that only poisionous snakes have fangs, rather than teeth. Apparently, they can opt for poison (which burns like fire and serves as a last defense warning) or they can opt to inject poison and venom (which could kill someone who was doing strenuous exercise and miles from medical assistance). Fortunately the snake opted to only send him a warning.

Warnings. Metaphors. Slices of providence. Thin places, where the spiritual and the physical brush past each other.

New month

I wish I felt more hope with the beginning of May. But in actuality, I still feel the same old numbness. Marriage isn't really marriage; parenting feels more like an effort to be informed as to their lives and plans...but not really MOTHERHOOD. I have to wonder about the future, but I dare not wonder too much, for fear I'll make it happen. For the future I envision, or rather the options I mull constantly, is not something I want to participate in.

Every day I ask dh when we are going to talk. Every day that he doesn't just ignore me, he answers that he doesn't think there's going to be one talk that settles everything once and for all. Fine. But give me a conversation for starters, then. I think he is operating under the assumption that he can delay, and delay, and we can go back into our comfortable intimacy-vacuum, and this will all blow over. But I'm tired of that life. I'm tired of no sex. I'm tired of cordiality. I'm tired of conversation about the day, and nothing more.

I don't want the marriage to end; but neither do I want it to go on status quo. I called the counselor today, I emailed the priest last week, I called the lady who prays sometimes for and with dh....and I've heard back from no one. I don't really want a counselor, actually. I don't want someone to reflect and clarify what I'm saying and empathize. I really want someone to tell me what to do. I feel incapable of deciding the next step....there aren't any next steps that seem agreeable. So I stand paralyzed and crying in my cereal. It sucks.

Family assessment

I haven't gotten in this blog habit. I'm not sure if it is because there isn't regular interaction (except you, Jules). Or because my life is so dull. Or because my computer time is often spent elsewhere. Or just why. But it's been over a month, and I wonder why the lack of reflection.

Tensions around here are cut-with-a- knife-thick. Sometimes I wonder, will there be a straw that breaks the camel's back, or will there just be the slow erosion of warmth and trust to such a degree that we never find our way back? This week has seen both event and erosion. Marriage is hard work, and it's disheartening to write that statement after 22 years of it. I don't want to leave; he doesn't want to leave; we love each other. But things get so thick with misunderstanding. It's a bit like opening my swimming pool for the season....we didn't cover it; the pump doesn't always work properly so that the water inadequately circulates; there are so many leaves in our yard. The bottom is coated with a winters-worth of dead stuff, and in the heat of spring, the algae is blooming profusely. I put in chemicals, I scoop out leaves, but after hours of work for the last 4 days, I'm still left with a pool that still cannot be swum in. I vacuum the water to waste, realizing that it's too dirty to even filter clean. Then I add more water, which throws off the chemical balance; now I must go to the store to get more chemicals, and I'm out of money. So I'll go next week after payday, by which time the algae will have bloomed again. I'm the only one working on getting it clean. I went out yesterday and there was a dead bird floating on the water. A bird! I wonder if maybe we should just fill in the pool; it's so much work for so little personal reward. This is my marriage at present ... the swimming pool after winter.

In other news, my children are growing up. My dd is trying desperately to graduate. Actually, I am trying desperately for her to graduate! I've hired a math tutor for her and ds, who is similarly flunking math. Hopefully they can pull it off. Worst case scenario is that she's still accepted into university, but she has to go to summer school and take Math For Dummies or something less rigorous than precalculus at least. I can't imagine how life is going to work for her at university; or rather, I can't imagine how her roommate will make it. She has so many challenges, that I get discouraged on her behalf. She seems blissfully unaware; I suppose that is its own sort of blessing.

G. What will I do when G flies the nest? That will be my undoing, I imagine. It is so lovely to have him here, even though most times he's out with friends, at work, at school, or doing some fun thing as he spreads his wings. Why is he so dear to my heart? He mumbles, and shuffles, and isn't particularly solicitous. But he's the child that I intuitively relate to, even though I rarely know what's going on inside that head. Bill resents G, notes all his faults. I'm sure that elicits a sympathy from me that wouldn't be there otherwise. Don't mess with one of mama's boys. Maybe it is trust. I just trust that my heart is safe with him, and I think he feels the same way. Some days I just want to capture him and stop time and cherish him like he deserves to be cherished. He'll be gone a month this summer -- it will be sad for me.

Moses scares me. Not so much what I see, but what I don't see. What I see is a kid who is handsome, talented, smart, personable, funny, sharp, has everything in the world going for him. What I don't see is the softer side, the aching side, the fearful side, vulnerability. Surely it must be there, but it's been disassociated out of him, I fear. Within five minutes of witnessing a moment of anger and violence, he can be chatting to his friends on the phone as if nothing has happened. Where is my little boy? What is he doing with his observations? He's angry at me for becoming Catholic; why does that strike deep, when other things seem to bounce off him?

And then there is the complex bundle that is C. Sad. Silly. Baby of the family. Wise old man. I adore him. He exasperates me.

My little ark. I'm trying to keep it afloat.