Movement

We have movement. I journalled last night, which led to a conversation this morning, which seems to be moving things along(glacially, but nonetheless...) Here's my journal:

I'm sorry you feel that I've not shared myself with you, or that I've hidden parts of myself to the point that you're not sure who exactly I am anmore! As I've been thinking about this I've tried to understand where you're coming from, how it is that I've conveyed that, what it is that is or isn't true in the assessment, and why.
I don't think there are simple answers but let me try to at least take a stab.
I'm trying to understadn where you're coing from...I think it would be frightening to feel like your spouse is uinknown to you. It would engender insecurity, confusion, even suspicion. Those are all things I've observed in you, and so I realize now that this uncertainty is probably where, at least to some degree, they arise from. I would hate to feel that way about you, that I didn't know you anymore! So I really hate it that you are feeling that way about me, and I'm sorry for my part in making it happen. I feel a need to reiterate that I love you. YOU. Irrespective of what you think or how you look or anything peripheral to YOU. I realize now that I've conveyed to you that I'm unknown to you--springing decisions on you, not including you in the processing of my ideas.... etc.... I see how, especially taken together , that could convey that I have "moved on" or have deliberately obfuscated myself. I see how that could leave you standing on spongey ground, scratching your head wondering. I'm truly sorry.
I've tried to ask myself why. Do I want to be know and understood by you? Yes, that's been a persistent theme over our marriage. And so why is it, I ask myself, that I've been vague (consciously or un-)?
- Change = Disequilibrium. My views over the last ten years have morphed and changed. Usually the changes have been subtle -- a different slant on an issue rather than a complete 180. Or I've read articles that have initiated shifts in thinking. But in a relationship such as ours, which has had its share of tensions and ups and downs, disequilibrium isn't something you go looking for! So I've avoided the changes (slight or profound) in order not to introduce even more for us to deal with.
- I've felt your lack of curiosity. It used to hurt me. Maybe over time I just came to grips with it. I stopped expecting it. Maybe I even talked myself out of wanting it. In order to "let you off the hook" of my expectations, I turned to people who were curious about me. Real-life and online friends filled the gap. My mom/sister/dad weren't curious about me, and didn't really want to know the real me anyway if it conflicted with who they wanted me to be. I didn't (don't) put you in that category. I just figured you had other things on your mind, you are a bottom-line kind of guy, you aren't the greatest at being a listening/questioning conversational partner ...whatever. In that sense I did "move on" -- I found and surrounded myself with people who would ask, share, encourage, converse, etc. It's not that you won't or can't or don't do those things; its just that you don't often get "in the zone" with me or initiate it. I "moved on" in the sense that I didn't want to put the expectation on you and be diappointed in you. You shouldn't be expected to do it all, so I told myself to stop expecting.
- I've experienced this with the Catholic conversion. So often, when you make a change, those who don't make the change take your change as a repudiation of them and their cherished beliefs. When in fact it isn't about them or their beliefs at all. As a Catholic I don't disrespect the views of Presbyterians. I respect those who hold them, especially if their faith's been tested, especially when I see they've been sustained by their faith, especially when I see it lived out with authenticity. But you stated that you felt like I don't respect you or your views, that I feel like I've "moved on", that I'm more enlightened, that perhaps I look down on you? Whatever topic it is that I've thought through and had my opinions altered... it isn't a repudiation. I haven't shared a whole lot about those shifts because I didn't want you to feel defensive about your own views, nor did I want you to feel like I thought you "should" think differently about things than you do.
- Sometimes (often) when you share an opinon about something you state it so unequivocally, with such certainty, that it doesn't seem an alternate point of view would be welcome. I don't want to argue, and I don't want a discussion of ideas to be taken personally by you. I don't want to be challenged to produce documentation or proof texts. So when you state something in that unequivocal way, and I have a slightly or completely contrary POV, I just don't say anything. After all, I tell myself, it's fine with me whatever you tink -- I'm not trying to change your mind. But as far as taking it as an opportunity for you to get to know me better, no. I don't engage.
- Along a similar vein, I never know if yours is a well-researched POV, or just the view you've always had, or just a top-of-your-head comment. whether it's not crucial or whether it is a cherished belief. You seem to me often to be "unanimous". You have a pretty well-delineated set of assumptions from which you view things and it doesn't feel like there's much room fo alternate viewpoints, shades of gray, room for discussion. For someone like myself, who loves the exploration, loves seeing the other side's POV, who loves encountering variety, who is more predisposed to appreciating the gray areas -- for someone like me, you're an intimidating person to converse with. It's easier to smile and be quiet.
- Individuation. Maybe it's midlife... but there's an urge in me to learn what it means to be ME. Not as a repudiation of being wife, mother, daughter, etc -- but just as an affirmation of who I am apart from those relationships. Perhaps that urge toward individuation has left me more satisfied working things out in my own mind, more content to think my own thoughts ... and unintentionally I've left you out. I don't want you "out of my loop" but I can see how it may have happened.

....

Anyway, this led to some more discussion, more examples, etc. I'm feeling a glimmer of hope that we can weather this, even if it's slow and cumbersome.