Maybe that's an overstatement. Maybe it's just "Reality Love". But whatever you call it, that's where we are here in the Land 'o Cotton. Grayson lost his job. Probably the best opportunity one could ever have....and he didn't recognize it. When his car went out (and he can't afford to have it repaired because he's spent all his money), he didn't show up for work. Oh, he halfheartedly tried to find rides, but in reality he leaned on the excuse of "no car" to --in his mind-- free himself of the responsibility to show up. In keeping with my non-coercive stance, I would offer to take him when I could, but that wasn't often.... his job was 25 minutes away, and then there was the return trip... But I didn't nag. This is one of those life lessons that you need to GET, really get, without mom connecting the dots for you. Anyway, he lost the job. And that was Monday and today's Friday...and he hasn't gotten another one. We live directly behind a grocery store/shopping center/restaurant heaven, so there are jobs within easy walking distance. I think he's filled out 4 applications.
So we lowered the boom. Without hunger, who would work? We told him that he's had his year off after high school, and that come August, he needs to either be in school fulltime or in the military. If he isn't doing either of those, he'll need to move out and make his own way in the world. If he goes with the school option, we will require him to take out a loan in his name, which we will repay each semester if his grades are Bs or above. He can live at home or in a dorm, and we'll pay for that, but if he moves out of those he's on his own (I guess we could always renegotiate things down the road if he's caught on to the whole Responsiblity thing).
Life requires you to pay as you go, and the way to pay is to work. I'm tired of the whole slacker mentality that pervades current culture....of grown men living at home with parents because they don't have the umph to make it; I don't want to undermine with our actions the values of hard work, perseverance, resourcefulness. I don't buy into the infantilizing of adults. I'd do anything in the world for my son, but I don't want to render him unable to make it on his own. Even birds push their young out of the nest when they know it's time to fly. So August is fly-time.
4 comments:
That's a really tough decision to make, but I think it's the right one. We may be facing a similar decision soon. We're going to fund one semester at a time at the community college for our oldest son, as long as he keeps his grades up. We need to decide exactly what we mean by what grades are acceptable.
I'm tired of the slacker mentality, too. I realized I've worked to hard during my kids' lives trying to smooth the way for them. I may be late coming to my senses, but hopefully not too late for them to learn the necessary lessons in life.
It's so ironic that you said, "army or college" to your son... that's exactly what my counselor said he said to his son when his son was contemplating what to do next. He said those kind of ultimatums were common in his day. (He is about 70) Anyway, I think you've got a good working plan. Jeff and I are trying to figure out a plan for Eli this year since he wants to come home and be unschooled.
I think you have made a very wise decision, Beth. You have your son's best interest at heart and that is so obvious from your post. Time for a wake up call!
You can tell by the picture that he has it in him to be very successful. ;-)
Hugs,
Susan
Because I have no idea what would be the right way to handle this, I stand with you in your courageous effort to help Grayson. Hugs to you!
All of is in that "transition to adulthood" fray need one another.
Julie
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