My DNA

Silent Retreat 2007 summary

I went this year hoping, I think, to recapture something. I wouldn't have admitted that ahead of time, but as the retreat went on, it became clearer to me that God was more interested in the present moment than he was in transporting me back in time to give me an experience or feeling I've had before. Two years ago, I went at the end of a terrible time with Bill....really the culmination of all that was the worst in our marriage. By the time I actually went, some things had cleared and it was on the upswing, but I needed my retreat to help me sort out the marriage thing better and to recapture a sense of God in my life. I had just formally come into the Catholic Church three months before the retreat after a long and eventful journey, and I just needed to rest and regroup. At that time God made his presence known in a few 'big' ways: synchronicities, overwhelming insights, times of tears and wrestling, new perspectives, miraculous hiney-tingling hair-raising Presence. Needless to say it was a major event in my spiritual life, and it ushered in an almost-two year period of joy. Joy in God, joy in my marriage's turnaround, joy in life. But there is subtle trouble afoot when one neglects the present and tries to live off the fat of a past experience. You can go for awhile assuming everything is OK, you can brush off small offenses, you can ignore creeping aridity -- because you, in the past, experienced God so powerfully, or because you had a conversion in your marriage. But eventually the cumulation of those collective apathies catches up. In my case, I realized how long it had been since God was an everyday encounter for me; I realized all the signs of strain and tension that my marriage was sustaining; I realized how presumptuous I'd become.

So I thought going on a retreat would take me back to something I'd found before. But God doesn't seem to work like that. He didn't appear, speak, or otherwise grant me an 'experience' I could look back later on and say, "Yeah, that proves to me that God was present with me." Nope, the benefit of this retreat was in learning something else.

On the first day that I met with Sr. Barbara, after listening to the short version of my background, etc., she startled me by saying, "You are close to God." Just like that. Matter of factly. I was stunned....how could she dare to make such an assumption to me after 10 minutes? I asked her. She replied, "Because you ARE!" ( She was not, lest you suspect it, some touchy-feely sister who strummed a guitar and made sure everyone felt positive feelings. She was probably in her 50s and from Brookline MA and I envisioned her going to high school with Hillary Clinton.) So I stopped and thought about it. What if I just accepted her observation as true? What if I stopped beating myself up with how I SHOULD be close to God, and why I WASN'T close to God, and what I needed to do so I WOULD be close to God once again, and just accepted as true that I was now as close to God as I'd ever be? How would that change my life and thinking?

So again, I was dealing with the topic of God's presence, but now I was dealing with it as a reality. That God is already Present. That God never moves. That not only can nothing separate me from the love of God (height, depth, etc.) in an eternal kind of otherworldly sense, but nothing separates me from God in every single isolated present moment of my life. That I can awaken every morning and assume a stance of Presence, not Absence. I am close to God.

How would it seem different to live in that realization, really? It might mean that I'd never have another 'experience' of God's presence; could I live without it? It could mean that I'd begin to realize God's presence in dullness, in ordinary chores, and release my death-grip on needing to feel significant in some grand cosmic scheme, and just relax in being who I am in my little insignificant corner of the world.... and be okay with that. Can I come to grips with being Insignificant? Can I rest assured that God's Presence doesn't depend upon my achieving anything in my life or 'impacting' anyone? Maybe this perspective would mean that I would start to recognize that God is, in fact, the very person I'm talking to, the very pot I'm scrubbing, the very steering wheel I'm turning. God is appearing to me all the time; maybe I'm just not seeing it. Maybe his essence resides in the space between the whirling electrons of everything I see. Maybe his essence is love, and wherever something is done with love, wherever someone needs or senses love.... that's what God is. (Catholic theology even speaks to this idea ....Thomas Aquinas says that the Spirit is the generation of love between the Father and the Son.) Or as Erasmus, and Jung after him, said, "Bidden or not bidden, God is Present."

That I suppose sums up my retreat. There's a lot more. But at least I know my starting point now: I am close to God.

I discovered some good reading: I'm reading the autobiography of Therese of Liseaux. She's of a different time and frame of reference, but she's an interesting character who has a lot to say about laboring in obscurity! I also picked up two other really good books on the spiritual life: one is "The Saints' Guide to Happiness" and the other is an older classic "Abandonment to Divine Providence" -- both are worth going through a few times.

Dona Nobis Pacem

It started on Sunday that I was aware of. It probably started before then. But I knew something in my spirit was moving, and that was a welcome change. I went to mass and as I knelt there thinking and praying, I knew that I was withholding my own peace. I was struck with how easy it was to say "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us", but how very hard to do; how very hard to feel that forgiveness is the right thing to do, to feel disposed to offer it, to realize that forgiveness is just as much about my own happiness as it is about the other's. That's what started stirring on Sunday.

On Tuesday my friend Beth and I went out playing for the day. I told her to stop by B&N so I could pick up a book I'd had but misplaced. I had been thinking on Monday about when I had been happiest in my marriage...truly happy. It dawned on me that it was when I had given up controlling my dh. I had read a book at the time (called, The Surrendered Wife -- a title I hate, but a book that made a profound impact on my life) and had applied it to my own marriage. This was shortly after I'd started trying to reduce the control I had been exerting on my children. I had been happiest in my marriage at two points in time: the 22 months from June 05-April 07 and prior to that back in 03, when I had applied the Surrendered Wife to my marriage. Those times were the happiest.

It all started to click in my mind. He's the same guy as he was for the 22 months. He has some issues that likely won't change; that's my reality. But just as real were the 22 months when his issues just really didn't show up much. I wonder if there's something I'm doing unconsciously that's precipitating his issues showing up after almost 2 years? Hmmm. He complains that I'm trying to control him, and have been controlling for some time (he just hasn't mentioned it). Is it possible that the only thing that's standing between myself and my own happiness in marriage is ... moi? That if I can just offer forgiveness for his screwing up back in April, AND refresh myself on giving up being a controlling wife, and really listen to him... that I (and he) would be happy again?

I prayed the rosary for the healing of my marriage.

I re-read the book. I saw myself in the pages, and I saw his blowing up in the pages....one quote that jumped out to me was: "Men show up for their roles as fathers in a completely different way once they feel respected by their wives. Even in cases where a man is verbally abusive. Children are less likely to be punished inappropriately, and more likely to be attended to generously when their father feels respected by his wife. Perhaps this is because kids are easy targets for misplaced anger. For example if a man is angry with his wife for being bossy and domineering (ouch), he might try to keep the peace by saying nothing to her. In the meantime, the anger that was never properly vented seeps out as inappropriate outbursts at the children. This is terribly unfair, but it's also very human." What if I believed Bill, as I said I wanted him to believe me? What if he is being a typical human and not a monster? What if I start appreciating the same man who was so fabulous a husband earlier? Could the answer really be as simple as giving up the resentment, giving up the control, giving up? Could that bring about intimacy and happiness and relief and warmth?

I brushed up on how to be a pleasant person again. I brushed up on my phrases: "Whatever you think", "Ouch", "Thank you", "I want...", "I can't...." I started focusing on my self-care: practicing art, practicing yoga, taking baths, etc. (All these are discussed in the book.)

That was on Wednesday. Wednesday night while fixing dinner M mentioned a really nice restaurant in town where he had worked. I commented "I want to go there sometime." Behind me I heard dh say, "How about Friday night?"

On Thursday night he said, "Wanna take a walk?" Even though I didn't really (it was late, I wanted to watch a movie) I said, "Sure, whatever you think." He talked and shared with me about work and his life and what had been on his mind, and how he was working hard for a client in exchange for a trip to Hong Kong together. He watched the movie with me after walking, and stayed awake till the end.

This morning I got up from bed and there was a note on the floor beside the bed along the lines of "Hope you slept well. You look too peaceful to disturb. I love you."

I have hardly said a word. I haven't tried to communicate, fight, write about my feelings, get him to go somewhere he doesn't want to go, resolve any issues. I just forgave him and started treating him like a forgiven person. I can't speak for anyone else, but it's working for me. And I'm relieved.

Fun day

Today at the top of my calendar it says "Fun Day: art? tennis? something with the kids?"
Last night we fought a long time. You name it, we covered it. Same old arguments. Same old blindnesses (on both our parts).
Today is not a fun day. It is a set the phone on silent and crawl back in bed and wonder if the next 25 years will be as hard day.

Tough Love

Maybe that's an overstatement. Maybe it's just "Reality Love". But whatever you call it, that's where we are here in the Land 'o Cotton. Grayson lost his job. Probably the best opportunity one could ever have....and he didn't recognize it. When his car went out (and he can't afford to have it repaired because he's spent all his money), he didn't show up for work. Oh, he halfheartedly tried to find rides, but in reality he leaned on the excuse of "no car" to --in his mind-- free himself of the responsibility to show up. In keeping with my non-coercive stance, I would offer to take him when I could, but that wasn't often.... his job was 25 minutes away, and then there was the return trip... But I didn't nag. This is one of those life lessons that you need to GET, really get, without mom connecting the dots for you. Anyway, he lost the job. And that was Monday and today's Friday...and he hasn't gotten another one. We live directly behind a grocery store/shopping center/restaurant heaven, so there are jobs within easy walking distance. I think he's filled out 4 applications.

So we lowered the boom. Without hunger, who would work? We told him that he's had his year off after high school, and that come August, he needs to either be in school fulltime or in the military. If he isn't doing either of those, he'll need to move out and make his own way in the world. If he goes with the school option, we will require him to take out a loan in his name, which we will repay each semester if his grades are Bs or above. He can live at home or in a dorm, and we'll pay for that, but if he moves out of those he's on his own (I guess we could always renegotiate things down the road if he's caught on to the whole Responsiblity thing).

Life requires you to pay as you go, and the way to pay is to work. I'm tired of the whole slacker mentality that pervades current culture....of grown men living at home with parents because they don't have the umph to make it; I don't want to undermine with our actions the values of hard work, perseverance, resourcefulness. I don't buy into the infantilizing of adults. I'd do anything in the world for my son, but I don't want to render him unable to make it on his own. Even birds push their young out of the nest when they know it's time to fly. So August is fly-time.

Movement

We have movement. I journalled last night, which led to a conversation this morning, which seems to be moving things along(glacially, but nonetheless...) Here's my journal:

I'm sorry you feel that I've not shared myself with you, or that I've hidden parts of myself to the point that you're not sure who exactly I am anmore! As I've been thinking about this I've tried to understand where you're coming from, how it is that I've conveyed that, what it is that is or isn't true in the assessment, and why.
I don't think there are simple answers but let me try to at least take a stab.
I'm trying to understadn where you're coing from...I think it would be frightening to feel like your spouse is uinknown to you. It would engender insecurity, confusion, even suspicion. Those are all things I've observed in you, and so I realize now that this uncertainty is probably where, at least to some degree, they arise from. I would hate to feel that way about you, that I didn't know you anymore! So I really hate it that you are feeling that way about me, and I'm sorry for my part in making it happen. I feel a need to reiterate that I love you. YOU. Irrespective of what you think or how you look or anything peripheral to YOU. I realize now that I've conveyed to you that I'm unknown to you--springing decisions on you, not including you in the processing of my ideas.... etc.... I see how, especially taken together , that could convey that I have "moved on" or have deliberately obfuscated myself. I see how that could leave you standing on spongey ground, scratching your head wondering. I'm truly sorry.
I've tried to ask myself why. Do I want to be know and understood by you? Yes, that's been a persistent theme over our marriage. And so why is it, I ask myself, that I've been vague (consciously or un-)?
- Change = Disequilibrium. My views over the last ten years have morphed and changed. Usually the changes have been subtle -- a different slant on an issue rather than a complete 180. Or I've read articles that have initiated shifts in thinking. But in a relationship such as ours, which has had its share of tensions and ups and downs, disequilibrium isn't something you go looking for! So I've avoided the changes (slight or profound) in order not to introduce even more for us to deal with.
- I've felt your lack of curiosity. It used to hurt me. Maybe over time I just came to grips with it. I stopped expecting it. Maybe I even talked myself out of wanting it. In order to "let you off the hook" of my expectations, I turned to people who were curious about me. Real-life and online friends filled the gap. My mom/sister/dad weren't curious about me, and didn't really want to know the real me anyway if it conflicted with who they wanted me to be. I didn't (don't) put you in that category. I just figured you had other things on your mind, you are a bottom-line kind of guy, you aren't the greatest at being a listening/questioning conversational partner ...whatever. In that sense I did "move on" -- I found and surrounded myself with people who would ask, share, encourage, converse, etc. It's not that you won't or can't or don't do those things; its just that you don't often get "in the zone" with me or initiate it. I "moved on" in the sense that I didn't want to put the expectation on you and be diappointed in you. You shouldn't be expected to do it all, so I told myself to stop expecting.
- I've experienced this with the Catholic conversion. So often, when you make a change, those who don't make the change take your change as a repudiation of them and their cherished beliefs. When in fact it isn't about them or their beliefs at all. As a Catholic I don't disrespect the views of Presbyterians. I respect those who hold them, especially if their faith's been tested, especially when I see they've been sustained by their faith, especially when I see it lived out with authenticity. But you stated that you felt like I don't respect you or your views, that I feel like I've "moved on", that I'm more enlightened, that perhaps I look down on you? Whatever topic it is that I've thought through and had my opinions altered... it isn't a repudiation. I haven't shared a whole lot about those shifts because I didn't want you to feel defensive about your own views, nor did I want you to feel like I thought you "should" think differently about things than you do.
- Sometimes (often) when you share an opinon about something you state it so unequivocally, with such certainty, that it doesn't seem an alternate point of view would be welcome. I don't want to argue, and I don't want a discussion of ideas to be taken personally by you. I don't want to be challenged to produce documentation or proof texts. So when you state something in that unequivocal way, and I have a slightly or completely contrary POV, I just don't say anything. After all, I tell myself, it's fine with me whatever you tink -- I'm not trying to change your mind. But as far as taking it as an opportunity for you to get to know me better, no. I don't engage.
- Along a similar vein, I never know if yours is a well-researched POV, or just the view you've always had, or just a top-of-your-head comment. whether it's not crucial or whether it is a cherished belief. You seem to me often to be "unanimous". You have a pretty well-delineated set of assumptions from which you view things and it doesn't feel like there's much room fo alternate viewpoints, shades of gray, room for discussion. For someone like myself, who loves the exploration, loves seeing the other side's POV, who loves encountering variety, who is more predisposed to appreciating the gray areas -- for someone like me, you're an intimidating person to converse with. It's easier to smile and be quiet.
- Individuation. Maybe it's midlife... but there's an urge in me to learn what it means to be ME. Not as a repudiation of being wife, mother, daughter, etc -- but just as an affirmation of who I am apart from those relationships. Perhaps that urge toward individuation has left me more satisfied working things out in my own mind, more content to think my own thoughts ... and unintentionally I've left you out. I don't want you "out of my loop" but I can see how it may have happened.

....

Anyway, this led to some more discussion, more examples, etc. I'm feeling a glimmer of hope that we can weather this, even if it's slow and cumbersome.

So why'd you go and pick a fight?

I don't get it. We start having a perfectly good conversation (a little shallow, but with potential) and you go and abruptly change the subject, and then start accusing me of not really saying what's on my mind (when I honestly admitted the subject you were now discussing wasn't really interesting to me), and poof. Before you know it, the goodwill's gone, my desire to sit around and be picked apart is way past gone, and I walk away. And you twist everything to sound like I was the one making a big deal out of the conversation. So I'm sure, somehow it will be my fault in the morning, if we get around to ever actually talking about it, which you won't. If it gets talked about it will be because I bring it up.

Listen, I tried. I tried to believe the best. I tried to meet you halfway. I tried to listen and take to heart. But this picking a fight shit is ridiculous. I'm going to the counselor Monday; join me if you want to. I won't hold my breath.