This weekend I did two things: I finished the book Quo Vadis, and I saw the movie "Therese". The novelist won the Nobel Prize a century ago for his work; the screenwriter of the movie will win NO awards, I'm sure. But what tied these two events together for me was the almost unimaginable portrayal of saintly people they both painted. In Quo Vadis, the early Christian martyrs were fleshed out in a way that looked like authentic Christianity --like what we all wish we would see around us, and what, if we did see it, might serve as strong evidence of Christianity's veracity. I don't see that kind of faith fleshed out around me. Then in Therese, the story of St. Therese of Liseux was told. I didn't think the movie was good at all, but I just went to familiarize myself with the saint, not for the movie-going experience. The piety and devotion seemed almost like a parody of piety and devotion. And yet.... if it were genuine.... it would give me hope that such a faith is humanly possible.
As I ruminated on these examples of Christianity, I thought how much our culture makes such holiness virtually impossible to achieve, working within the culture. The media dishes out to us irony, sarcasm, violence, cheapness, shallow expressions of deep emotions and issues, entertainment..... and we take it and want more. We're inundated. It seems like the only way to avoid it would be to become a hermit in a convent. Yet, holiness and integrity must be possible in any setting. In ancient Rome, the setting for Quo Vadis, surely the entertainments and the prevailing cultural attitudes were worse than our own. So how is it that in a predominantly "Christian" society we have similar cultural mores as pagan Rome?
My life is not countercultural. I don't really want beauty, truth, charity, grace, forgiveness, redemption, perfection of my humanity, because I'd have to live counter to the prevailing culture. How would my corner of the earth be different if I really took the teachings of Jesus at face value and lived them out? What would fill my days? What would love look like? What would I be entertained by? What would I abhor? Is it necessary to be a hermit to live a good life? Surely not. But then, how is it accomplished? It must rely on internal transformation to enable the externals to be congruent. But the internal being fleshed out....where the rubber meets the road....what does that look like in 2005 America?
In talking to my friend Julie, she mentioned how Christianity can be seen truly in its cultural emphasis on freedom for the oppressed. That the people in 'power' cannot really relate to the Christian message as long as they are preserving their power. That the message of Bethlehem was identification with the lowly. This certainly would have been true of the early Roman Christians. They themselves were the minority, the underdogs. But as for me, I live in the most powerful nation on earth, I'm white, I'm well off enough. What is Christianity for me? I think personal piety is a part, but if Julie's suppositions bear out, that cannot be the crux of the gospel. Who are the oppressed now? I think of the unborn, the victims of violence, old forgotten people, ....what have I ever done for them? Is action on their behalf what I'm to be doing? How can I incorporate such action into my life?
Interestingly, it was Mother Teresa of Calcutta who was inspired in her life by St. Therese of Liseux. St. Therese advocated a simple way of life. I'd like to figure out what that simple way looks like for me. Anyway....all sorts of thoughts roiling my brain tonight.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Seinfeld on the spiritual walk
Observations on my faith journey:
One thing that has been difficult in discussion with people here at least is that I'm happy for anyone whose faith is real and nurtured. Just because I've gone elsewhere to find that doesn't mean I think everyone should go where I have. I'm genuinely happy. But it is either hard for them to understand, or hard for me to communicate, the grace of acceptance. They must feel that since I've gone elsewhere and thus have repudiated where they are, that I must hold out some secret resentment for them still being there. It's weird. (What grates me is the unreality of some people's faith experience, the smallness of its scope, the suppression of its questions. But that's their business...!)
Actually one thing I've noticed is a generational thing. Many of my younger post-modern contemporaries have more of a 'whatever works for you' mindset, so they don't respond unfavorably. But of the senior citizens I know.... the reaction is incredulity. I think there is much less that resonates within them of a personal quest, or the value of individually seeking to find whether one buys into what has always been taught. Or maybe it is just anti-intellectualism at work. Or maybe a fear that Truth shouldn't be questioned. It seems to shake the foundations -- and I guess in reality it DOES shake the foundations -- to look at both the fruit and the roots and to decide if you're climbing the right tree! :-)
I feel like this: if one is afraid of something, that's probably the thing one SHOULD look at. Perfect love casts out fear, we're told. So the presence of fear in the context of one's faith should be a sign that something isn't right. Sometimes I feel like the boulder that people trip against....if I just weren't there, they'd mosely happily down their path. But because I exist in the path, and must be confronted, I'm a problem. Most people just try to walk around the boulder with as little contact with it as possible.
This changing of path in midstream is viewed suspiciously! I really don't know how the majority of people respond to the news because they say nothing of it to me.
I remember the Sienfeld episode where Elaine says to her 'Christian' boyfriend Puddy, "I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell even though I am not." So they go to the priest for counseling, and he says "Let me see if I understand this. Elaine, you're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell." Then when Elaine and Puddy mention that they are not married, just sleeping together, the priest replies, "Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell."
Somewhere in that episode, I see a smidgen of truth about Catholic/Protestant relations!
One thing that has been difficult in discussion with people here at least is that I'm happy for anyone whose faith is real and nurtured. Just because I've gone elsewhere to find that doesn't mean I think everyone should go where I have. I'm genuinely happy. But it is either hard for them to understand, or hard for me to communicate, the grace of acceptance. They must feel that since I've gone elsewhere and thus have repudiated where they are, that I must hold out some secret resentment for them still being there. It's weird. (What grates me is the unreality of some people's faith experience, the smallness of its scope, the suppression of its questions. But that's their business...!)
Actually one thing I've noticed is a generational thing. Many of my younger post-modern contemporaries have more of a 'whatever works for you' mindset, so they don't respond unfavorably. But of the senior citizens I know.... the reaction is incredulity. I think there is much less that resonates within them of a personal quest, or the value of individually seeking to find whether one buys into what has always been taught. Or maybe it is just anti-intellectualism at work. Or maybe a fear that Truth shouldn't be questioned. It seems to shake the foundations -- and I guess in reality it DOES shake the foundations -- to look at both the fruit and the roots and to decide if you're climbing the right tree! :-)
I feel like this: if one is afraid of something, that's probably the thing one SHOULD look at. Perfect love casts out fear, we're told. So the presence of fear in the context of one's faith should be a sign that something isn't right. Sometimes I feel like the boulder that people trip against....if I just weren't there, they'd mosely happily down their path. But because I exist in the path, and must be confronted, I'm a problem. Most people just try to walk around the boulder with as little contact with it as possible.
This changing of path in midstream is viewed suspiciously! I really don't know how the majority of people respond to the news because they say nothing of it to me.
I remember the Sienfeld episode where Elaine says to her 'Christian' boyfriend Puddy, "I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell even though I am not." So they go to the priest for counseling, and he says "Let me see if I understand this. Elaine, you're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell." Then when Elaine and Puddy mention that they are not married, just sleeping together, the priest replies, "Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell."
Somewhere in that episode, I see a smidgen of truth about Catholic/Protestant relations!
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Long time, no blog
An account of trying to talk to my parents about my upcoming conversion to Catholicism.
- It's all about MOM. I've humiliated her. How could God lead me somewhere he didn't validate for HER to be the right path? I've dishonored her. I've rejected her.
- She does not believe my reporting. I cannot possibly be following God because God cannot lead people into error and away from Truth. So while she KNOWS I'm not lying, while she SEES that I'm sincere and not just being flippant...there's no way to explain my story that is congruent with her beliefs except by denying my report of reality.
- She doesn't want to know about my faith, but she's sad that she cannot share hers with me. I responded that I don't feel that way, and that she can share her life with me. But because openness won't be reciprocated (I cannot tell her what is going on at MY church, for instance)... it's hard to think much depth of relationship is going to occur.
- She cannot have joy in the daughter that she has been so proud of for so long. She cannot accept it. (To which Dad leaned over and said, "You've GOT to") :-)
Dad was a charm. Only once did he start to get going about a theological point (purgatory, no less!), and he backed away pretty quickly. He wants a relationship. He thinks we're mistaken. Move on. He asked me to tell my story and listened well, as did mom.
It actually went as well as could be reasonably expected. Mom only teared up once, and so it wasn't a huge emotional thing (thank goodness for public places!)
We were able to talk about the kid's school and I think maybe they believe me that parochial school is because it's a good school, and not because it is our way of getting the boys to be Catholic. (Of course, if it WERE our reason, that's not really their biz, but I digress...) I admitted that I did not know what would happen to the children as far as their faith. I'm hoping mom and dad don't take that to mean it's open season for my children! If they take the kids on as their projects though, the kids will just withdraw and not have much time for their grandparents. I hope that mom and dad will respect the kids and not try to undercut us to them. But I don't know. (Dad probably will. Mom probably won't.)
The funny thing is that mom accused me of buying into a "ME" philosophy...that [b]I[/b]'ve led [b]my[/b]self down this path because it makes ME happy (as opposed to being led by objective Truth -- Presbyterianism -- which is supposed to make me...what?...unhappy??!:P). But ironically, I think she's the one who is into it being all about HER...how this all makes her look (humiliated) and feel (rejected).
My mom said she hates that she feels like she cannot share her spiritual self with me anymore. I"m like, 'Why? You can talk to me about what matters to you anytime.' She cannot imagine a world in which people are curious about each other's (spiritual) lives without condoning everything they believe to be true. She can't conceive that I'd be interested in something I've 'rejected'. And she will NOT herself be interested in my spiritual self...she said as much. It's a sad way to live, I think, because it shuts down relationship with people, until finally you're living in the ghetto of your own shared beliefs.
- It's all about MOM. I've humiliated her. How could God lead me somewhere he didn't validate for HER to be the right path? I've dishonored her. I've rejected her.
- She does not believe my reporting. I cannot possibly be following God because God cannot lead people into error and away from Truth. So while she KNOWS I'm not lying, while she SEES that I'm sincere and not just being flippant...there's no way to explain my story that is congruent with her beliefs except by denying my report of reality.
- She doesn't want to know about my faith, but she's sad that she cannot share hers with me. I responded that I don't feel that way, and that she can share her life with me. But because openness won't be reciprocated (I cannot tell her what is going on at MY church, for instance)... it's hard to think much depth of relationship is going to occur.
- She cannot have joy in the daughter that she has been so proud of for so long. She cannot accept it. (To which Dad leaned over and said, "You've GOT to") :-)
Dad was a charm. Only once did he start to get going about a theological point (purgatory, no less!), and he backed away pretty quickly. He wants a relationship. He thinks we're mistaken. Move on. He asked me to tell my story and listened well, as did mom.
It actually went as well as could be reasonably expected. Mom only teared up once, and so it wasn't a huge emotional thing (thank goodness for public places!)
We were able to talk about the kid's school and I think maybe they believe me that parochial school is because it's a good school, and not because it is our way of getting the boys to be Catholic. (Of course, if it WERE our reason, that's not really their biz, but I digress...) I admitted that I did not know what would happen to the children as far as their faith. I'm hoping mom and dad don't take that to mean it's open season for my children! If they take the kids on as their projects though, the kids will just withdraw and not have much time for their grandparents. I hope that mom and dad will respect the kids and not try to undercut us to them. But I don't know. (Dad probably will. Mom probably won't.)
The funny thing is that mom accused me of buying into a "ME" philosophy...that [b]I[/b]'ve led [b]my[/b]self down this path because it makes ME happy (as opposed to being led by objective Truth -- Presbyterianism -- which is supposed to make me...what?...unhappy??!:P). But ironically, I think she's the one who is into it being all about HER...how this all makes her look (humiliated) and feel (rejected).
My mom said she hates that she feels like she cannot share her spiritual self with me anymore. I"m like, 'Why? You can talk to me about what matters to you anytime.' She cannot imagine a world in which people are curious about each other's (spiritual) lives without condoning everything they believe to be true. She can't conceive that I'd be interested in something I've 'rejected'. And she will NOT herself be interested in my spiritual self...she said as much. It's a sad way to live, I think, because it shuts down relationship with people, until finally you're living in the ghetto of your own shared beliefs.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Bitter days of motherhood
I want to get back the nice mom I was for so long.
I want to enjoy my children. These last few days have been rough with all of them.
I need to go clean their rooms and love them for the unique (but messy) people they are, and realize that I am privileged to serve them....they are alive; I can stay home and mother/nurture them, and many people can't; they are healthy and so am I. I've got to recapture that grateful attitude, because I like myself better as a grateful person, than as a bitter one.
I want to enjoy my children. These last few days have been rough with all of them.
I need to go clean their rooms and love them for the unique (but messy) people they are, and realize that I am privileged to serve them....they are alive; I can stay home and mother/nurture them, and many people can't; they are healthy and so am I. I've got to recapture that grateful attitude, because I like myself better as a grateful person, than as a bitter one.
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