I went this year hoping, I think, to recapture something. I wouldn't have admitted that ahead of time, but as the retreat went on, it became clearer to me that God was more interested in the present moment than he was in transporting me back in time to give me an experience or feeling I've had before. Two years ago, I went at the end of a terrible time with Bill....really the culmination of all that was the worst in our marriage. By the time I actually went, some things had cleared and it was on the upswing, but I needed my retreat to help me sort out the marriage thing better and to recapture a sense of God in my life. I had just formally come into the Catholic Church three months before the retreat after a long and eventful journey, and I just needed to rest and regroup. At that time God made his presence known in a few 'big' ways: synchronicities, overwhelming insights, times of tears and wrestling, new perspectives, miraculous hiney-tingling hair-raising Presence. Needless to say it was a major event in my spiritual life, and it ushered in an almost-two year period of joy. Joy in God, joy in my marriage's turnaround, joy in life. But there is subtle trouble afoot when one neglects the present and tries to live off the fat of a past experience. You can go for awhile assuming everything is OK, you can brush off small offenses, you can ignore creeping aridity -- because you, in the past, experienced God so powerfully, or because you had a conversion in your marriage. But eventually the cumulation of those collective apathies catches up. In my case, I realized how long it had been since God was an everyday encounter for me; I realized all the signs of strain and tension that my marriage was sustaining; I realized how presumptuous I'd become.
So I thought going on a retreat would take me back to something I'd found before. But God doesn't seem to work like that. He didn't appear, speak, or otherwise grant me an 'experience' I could look back later on and say, "Yeah, that proves to me that God was present with me." Nope, the benefit of this retreat was in learning something else.
On the first day that I met with Sr. Barbara, after listening to the short version of my background, etc., she startled me by saying, "You are close to God." Just like that. Matter of factly. I was stunned....how could she dare to make such an assumption to me after 10 minutes? I asked her. She replied, "Because you ARE!" ( She was not, lest you suspect it, some touchy-feely sister who strummed a guitar and made sure everyone felt positive feelings. She was probably in her 50s and from Brookline MA and I envisioned her going to high school with Hillary Clinton.) So I stopped and thought about it. What if I just accepted her observation as true? What if I stopped beating myself up with how I SHOULD be close to God, and why I WASN'T close to God, and what I needed to do so I WOULD be close to God once again, and just accepted as true that I was now as close to God as I'd ever be? How would that change my life and thinking?
So again, I was dealing with the topic of God's presence, but now I was dealing with it as a reality. That God is already Present. That God never moves. That not only can nothing separate me from the love of God (height, depth, etc.) in an eternal kind of otherworldly sense, but nothing separates me from God in every single isolated present moment of my life. That I can awaken every morning and assume a stance of Presence, not Absence. I am close to God.
How would it seem different to live in that realization, really? It might mean that I'd never have another 'experience' of God's presence; could I live without it? It could mean that I'd begin to realize God's presence in dullness, in ordinary chores, and release my death-grip on needing to feel significant in some grand cosmic scheme, and just relax in being who I am in my little insignificant corner of the world.... and be okay with that. Can I come to grips with being Insignificant? Can I rest assured that God's Presence doesn't depend upon my achieving anything in my life or 'impacting' anyone? Maybe this perspective would mean that I would start to recognize that God is, in fact, the very person I'm talking to, the very pot I'm scrubbing, the very steering wheel I'm turning. God is appearing to me all the time; maybe I'm just not seeing it. Maybe his essence resides in the space between the whirling electrons of everything I see. Maybe his essence is love, and wherever something is done with love, wherever someone needs or senses love.... that's what God is. (Catholic theology even speaks to this idea ....Thomas Aquinas says that the Spirit is the generation of love between the Father and the Son.) Or as Erasmus, and Jung after him, said, "Bidden or not bidden, God is Present."
That I suppose sums up my retreat. There's a lot more. But at least I know my starting point now: I am close to God.
I discovered some good reading: I'm reading the autobiography of Therese of Liseaux. She's of a different time and frame of reference, but she's an interesting character who has a lot to say about laboring in obscurity! I also picked up two other really good books on the spiritual life: one is "The Saints' Guide to Happiness" and the other is an older classic "Abandonment to Divine Providence" -- both are worth going through a few times.
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9 comments:
So you were up at 4:13 a.m. posting about your silent retreat? :) I've been checking every day hoping you'd write up a summary of your experience. I liked it. I like that the two experiences were so different from each other, meeting you each time on different terms.
Somehow this discussion of God and presence creates a lot of movement and observation about our lives.
I read Therese of Lisieux in grad school.
Much love!
Julie
Yep, up at odd hours. Sleep and I have an uncomfortable relationship.
I wrote dozens of pages in my journal, so these few paragraphs probably don't do the experience justice. But that's OK, I s'pose.
Therese. There's a strange one. The reason I picked it up is because of a comment Sr. Barbara made to me....she asked me "Whatever did St. Therese actually do?" I replied, "Nothing." She smiled and said, "Exactly!" The idea was that people can sense God's presence just as well by doing insignificant things as they can while making "significant contributions". She pointed to Brother Lawrence, who did nothing but kitchen scullery, for years. And Therese ended up a Doctor of the friggin' Church! Blows me away. I see why the masses love her, although she has this flowery way of speaking that doesn't resonate with me at all. I also read about Dorothy Day, someone who did accomplish great things, and yet she came to really admire Therese for her "little way". Doing little things with great love.
Of course, most of those really holy saints died young, so you wonder if they could have sustained their ardor over a lifetime!! :-)
That's fascinating! My aunt wrote an entire book on Dorothy Day. I really don't know enough about her. It is odd that so many died young. And you wonder what they might have done with children to have to care for at the same time.
Still, the "little way" is a great theme to ponder. I like it a lot.
Fascinating stuff, Beth. It's a privilege to read -thanks for opened the door.
I love that you were instantly assured that you are, indeed, close to God. Chasing after Him qualifies you, I think.
Lots of good internal things going on in you. I'm curious to know how you see the personal experience of your retreat impacting your daily life - your relationships, your 'chores', as you say. Is the joy sneaking in there? Are the people around you changed? Do you relate to them differently? Do they see you differently?
Recommended reading I need to chase down as well..thanks...
Beth, you asked:
___ I'm curious to know how you see the personal experience of your retreat impacting your daily life - your relationships, your 'chores', as you say. Is the joy sneaking in there? Are the people around you changed? Do you relate to them differently? Do they see you differently?___
I guess I see it impacting my daily life as an adjustment....getting a new prescription in my glasses, or having a chiropractic treatment. It gets me seeing straight, or standing up straight, when I wasn't before.
I don't know if people around me are changed. My perceptions have shifted in how I look at others (they are God to me right now). It is hard to keep that consciousness in the forefront of your mind. That's why I think I cannot rely on a retreat or mountaintop experience or anything to keep my thinking straight. It's maintenance: listening to my soul talking to me; spending time in contemplation; being 'present' to my own experience and perception.
Just last week a friend invited me to a weekend event where a lot of bigwigs will be, and I'll be expected to participate along with the big dogs. I started down the familiar track of feeling like I would have nothing interesting to contribute because I don't have a resume and I can't point to achievements to give me credibility. Then I realized that I had gone to the retreat and reminded myself that obscurity is fine; achievement isn't a measure that God uses. And I started talking sense to myself. :-) I think the timing of her invitation was synchronicity at work... I'm glad I had had the retreat insights so I could respond wih greater confidence to her invitation.
I don't know if people see me differently. I guess the question about others being changed or seeing me differently.... I think those are things I don't have any control over. I have to make my own internal shifts, regardless of whether or to what degree they cause change in others.
As for my chores, yes, I think I am resting more (that was one of the lessons of both retreats: in quietness and rest will be your strength). I'm recognizing signs when I need to stop DOING and rest; and to admit that irrespective of the expectations of others. So I think I'm being more realistic in what I can accomplish in a day, IF I want to remain peaceful and aware of God's presence. I'm orienting myself less and less to what someone else's expectations are, and tuning in to my own. And I think that translates into doing my chores and daily tasks with more deliberateness.
Thanks for asking all the questions!
I think trying to go back and recapture that experience with God where we feel Him in a big way is something that everyone longs for but like you experienced in your retreat, He doesn't work that way. I am so thankful to you for sharing your journey because your insight or God given wisdom is always relevant to how I am feeling. And, I am glad Beth asked how you see it applying to your everyday life because I was wondering the same thing.
I read a book about Dorothy Day a few years back...one inspiring woman.
Your retreat sounds like what the "doctor" ordered...just what you needed, even if you didn't know it. Life is so often like that.
I loved reading about your time and seeing some pics!
Oh, who is the patron saint for women in my situation? ;-)
Susan
Sentient (and beth), I guess in a way, I learned not to measure success in ways we've been taught to.... by looking at how it impacts my daily life, for example. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting evidence (or not that there's anything wrong with asking the question), but it's a bit like God's presence: I was looking for evidence of it, and it was just there all along, not satisfying my demands that it show Itself. There's a temptation to look to my daily life, my relationships, my chores, whatever for validation that something's working better or differently than it was before. Part of what gelled for me is that God works slowly and I can't force his hand into giving me evidence that he's still working. Faith informs me that God IS working and I can just rest in that fact and get back to living. I don't need to get neurotic looking around me to see if I'm constantly improving. The thing I learned at the first retreat had to do with the fact that I'm not being judged! God isn't standing over me evaluating me... he just wants me to BE, wants me to live in His light and love. Bidden or not bidden God is present, and if he is present all will be well.
Don't know if I'm making sense.
Susan, the patron is Elizabeth of Portugal.
Amazing insights here, Beth. I'm hoping to get away for an extended silent retreat myself next month before school begins.
I read St. Therese a few years ago whn I was on vacation on Kauai. I loved her "little way" -- reminded me of Beth in Little Women in a way. Both were real people (Elizabeth Alcott, Louisa's sister) who were satisfied in doing the little things that somehow speak volumes to those in their immediate circles. A lesson in there for me, for sure. ;)
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