This about sums it up

Conversation with DD on phone:

Me: Just wanted you to hear it from us: your brother was arrested last night for disorderly conduct.
Her: Which one?

Yeah, well, when you've got three teenage boys, I suppose that IS the question isn't it?

-----
I'm coping with it alright, but I don't want to go into detail here right now, for his sake.

Funny aside: just before we got "the phone call" Bill had just commented to me as we were leaving the restaurant after lunch, "I wonder what we're going to do for the next hour before we have to take M to basketball practice?" Don't ask what you're going to do to fill a blank hour, unless you want something to come along and fill it!! :-)

I'm not sure I believe this about myself....

...but I'm glad middle aged women like me, since I am one!

You Are Elmo

Sweet and innocent, you expect everyone to adore you. And they usually do! You are usually feeling: Talkative. You've got tons of stories to tell. And when you aren't talking, you're laughing. You are famous for: Being popular, though no one knows why. Middle aged women especially like you. How you life your life: With an open heart. "Elmo loves you!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Do you know .... The Secret?

Naysayers, just hold your tongue.

Did anyone see the Oprah shows about The Secret? I did. I was mezmerized. I realize that there's nothing new under the sun, and that this is nothing revolutionary. But with that caveat, I'll have to say it confirmed for me things I've noticed over the last years, things I've observed spiritually, things I've observed in my relationships with children and family. Somehow, the way the messsage was packaged really spoke to me. Not in a way that I'm living so differently from "The Secret", but it spoke to me in a way that says, "You already know this! Remember when such and such happened?.... That was this principle in action!" It spoke to me in ways that I might find helpful to take me further along the path of life I want to create for myself. It dovetails with what Bill's been learning and implementing in his life through his life coaching. It's a message that my kids need to hear. It was the most inspired I've felt in a long time.

I've ordered the DVD, jumped on the bandwagon, and am planning on making my life and my world a better place.

Do YOU know The Secret??

PS. If you missed the Oprah show today and last week you can go to www.thesecret.tv or to Oprah's website and learn more.

On opportunities

This is the photo that made me cry.

We took M to Duke University yesterday. We sat in on a class, ambled around campus, ate at the Great Hall, watched the video, toured with the admissions volunteer, and sneaked into the gym. There he picked up a basketball and took a few precious shots. On the hardwood at Duke University. Duke. The Blue Devils. Coach K has walked on that floor. All the greats that he has admired have practiced on those hoops.

And he could have it.

At first he was impressed, engaged, envisioning himself there. He listened and observed. He talked and evaluated. At first. But slowly, the demon that haunts him got the best of him. He began rationalizing why he couldn't, why it's really not so great, why his dreams were just kid's dreams.

I hate that demon. It's the same demon that renders him an underachiever. That tells him to shoot himself in the foot. That blinds him to the wealth of opportunities before him. That causes him to cave under a self-inflicted Pressure to Succeed. That causes him to despise the very gifts he's been given. That stifles the passions that are there. That makes him value mediocrity as the mark of someone cool.

When I got this photo back, it just crystallized all those feelings for me: The boy. The posture. The ball. The place. The time. The screen. The choice. The opportunity.

The very best part of my day!

Grayson surprised us at dinner tonight....by walking through the door! He flew into town late last night and stayed at a friend's so he could surprise us all tonight when we got home. I screamed and jumped on him, while Bill and M were still scratching their heads trying to figure out who that familiar guy was! We all went out to dinner together and tried to get our minds around his being back! I wish he had stayed longer for his sake, but for my sake, I'm happy he's home! He said he was just ready to be back, and 3 months is a long time, so here he is. :-)

Some challenging thoughts

...lifted from a blog called Today at the Mission: (I still need to figure out how to make a link work...)
http://mission.squarespace.com/-journal/2007/1/7/the-following-jesus-manifesto.html

The 'Following Jesus' Manifesto
1 Stop talking about Jesus. Just stop. If we loved the people around us half as much as we say we love Jesus the rest of this manifesto would be entirely redundant.
2 Live a secret life. Invest the time, effort and vulnerability necessary to delve deeply into the scripture and prayer. Spend long periods of time in stillness. There is no shortcut to this, there is no other way. Without a deep and secret life we soon find ourselves talking about Jesus instead of being like Jesus.
3 Stop pretending. I'm a Christian, and I suck. So do you. Let's get that out of the way, shall we?
4 Give more than you get. There will always be more than enough.
5 Be present for those around you. Following Jesus has nothing to do with your work, your resume or your income. In fact, nothing that matters does.
6 Treasure broken-ness. Our broken places are sacred spaces in our heart. Honour them. Value them. In doing so you love the unlovely, publicly declaring the beauty of God's image in everyone. Greet the broken with comfort and cool water.
7 Throw a party.
8 Know Jesus well enough to recognize him on the street. This is rather important, because he can always be found on the street - and he usually looks more like a pan-handler than a preacher.
9 Accept ingratitude and abuse as a fixed cost. Embrace them, and then go the extra mile.
10 If you follow Jesus, you will anger religious people. This is how you will know.

I know I need to return to #2. I've gotten pretty good about #1, but I'm not sure if it is apathy, or true love of others. Probably the latter. I'm fairly good at #3, although because I look pretty 'clean' it could look like an act. I never give enough, so #4 hits me. And #5... since I have no income, work or resume it would seem that I should be able easily to 'be present'; but I still mightily struggle with this. For instance, I'm typing away, and my dh went to bed alone. #6 sounds nice, but I cannot say I treasure brokenness. I run screaming from it, is probably more honest. I'm great at #7... check. I'm always up for throwing a party....finally, a commandment I can keep! I hope I can mull over these, and the rest of this list tomorrow; but I'll be satisfied if I can just work on #2.

A hymn for MLK Day

We sang this hymn at mass yesterday, and it struck me as appropriate for today's holiday....

O shame to us who rest content while lust and greed for gain
In street and shop and tenement wring gold from human pain,
And bitter lips in blind despair cry, "Christ has died in vain."

Give us, O God, the strength to build the City that has stood
Too long a dream, whose laws are love, whose ways, the common good,
And where the shining sun becomes God's grace for human good.

Already in the mind of God that City rises fair:
Lo, how its splendor challenges the souls that greatly dare:
Yea, bids us seize the whole of life and build its glories there.

Waiting for some divine wisdom to break thru those clouds

But it doesn't happen that way, does it? When you're left to decide between two undesirable options, it becomes harder and harder to get excited about committing to either. And so we've made lists of pros and cons, and prayed, and had this decision nagging at all our minds these last two weeks. And so we decided to continue homeschooling, and having that decision made really provides no relief. Neither M nor I want that option, but I guess I have to come back to: it isn't always about what we want. I'm not ready and we don't think M is ready, for the ramifications of the other option. So there it is. No heavenly visions to guide us, no voices muttering to us, to alignment of stars, no sense of peace, no sense that 'it's the right thing to do'. Just a decision, and then we move on.

Uncertainty and opportunity

We met yesterday with Willis. He talked with us the entire morning. He thinks M shouldn't risk going to RHS, and should prove that he can finish strong while homeschooling....he doesn't think M is ready. So that threw a damper on M's enthusiasm and yet served as another voice in his life who refuses to soft pedal the choices M is making and how vulnerable he is. Willis repeated so many things we've told M in the last few days, it became funny. But Willis has a gift for communicating, for motivating, for encapsulating a truth. M responded afterwards that Willis had so much right in his observations that it was hard to say that he disagreed with his assessment that he should stay home. He definitely gave M something to think about.

Then we came home and my dear friend Beth came over. She mentioned that she and her pastor had been invited to Uganda for two weeks in February to teach there, but they needed a third person to go (so it wouldn't look like the pastor was running off with a parishioner!). I suggested M. She immediately yelled upstairs to him, 'M, do you want to go with me to Uganda?' Totally took him off guard, but wouldn't that be an incredible opportunity for him? He could teach a sports camp, or play with children at an orphanage, or read stories to children, or whatever! He's not sure he wants to yet, but he's thinking about it....

Then our priest came over and and talked with M. M said later that it wasn't so intense as our meeting with Willis, and said it was a welcome break. I am glad that he and the priest hit it off well.

So I guess we're no closer to deciding what to do for school, than we were. But at least we're listening, evaluating, thinking about the options and the ramifications. The photo is of the sky this morning, and it's reflective of the hope I dared to feel after all the days discussions.

A contract is in order

I admit that the noncoercive parent in me bristles. But the realities of broken trust must be factored in the fabric of our lives, unfortunately. And so the last week has been spent in thinking...how to live after the trust has been broken; how to live with the knowlege that there is a cycle of self-defeating behavior going on; how to reconcile the spiritual, the sociological, the psychological aspects of this one person, our son; how to address the practicalities of life, which have been on hold this week. It hasn't been a fun place to be, as a parent, and probably an even less fun place to be as a 15 year old!

Tonight dh and I proposed a contract. By signing it ds would be allowed to start at the public school asap, with no determination made for the following year. One thing at a time. Since I'm unwilling to homeschool anymore, he needs some solution. Otherwise, he would have to continue at the homeschool coop, and just lose the half credit that I was teaching him this semester. But he is miserable homeschooling, and I do feel like he has more than atoned for smoking pot.

Here's the contract.
"I will go this semester to R High School.
Here’s what I agree to:
ACADEMICALLY:
I will finish all outstanding homeschool work by Jan. 15.
I will spend two hours a day doing schoolwork. Academic housekeeping, reading, studying, reviewing, writing, homework, research, or just plain thinking... I’ll schedule two hours per day to do this, without the interruptions of TV, cellphone, or IM.
I will keep a planner, that is available every night (not left at school).
I will make all As and Bs on all report cards, including progress reports.
If I start strong, and then begin slacking off on any of these, I’ll lose privileges. I know that up front and I’m not going to make mom and dad miserable when they enforce this.
I will continue piano twice a week with the current practice requirements (30 minutes a day), and I will do a student show, in order to get the credit for Piano Performance.
I will continue to play with W___, in order to get the credit for PE.
SOCIALLY:
I will not drink alcohol, smoke pot, or any other of those things that will get me nowhere.
I will tell the truth. No lies, no hedging, no rationalizing.
I will rebuild trust with dad and mom. If something goes on at school, or where I am, that isn’t right (drinking at a party for example) I’ll let mom and dad know. Not so that they can have a coronary, or so I can get someone in trouble, but so I can rebuild trust. I won’t make mom and dad guess what’s going on, and I won’t make them ask the ‘right questions’ in order to know what’s going on.
Facebook, My Space, and anything like that will be open to mom/dad. There aren’t any realms where I have a secret life.
I will not orient my life toward my friends, and be strangers to my family. I’ll have my friends over here so mom and dad can get to know them.
I will go to church with the family.
I understand that my social privileges will be gradually reintroduced, and I’m not going to give mom and dad grief about it. Trust takes time, and I’ve really blown it to date.

Additionally, I am signing here that my attitude is going to be that mom and dad are on my side, trying to help me and that they may see things I’m not able to see. So I’m admitting that I trust them to have my best interests at heart. I’m willing to humble myself and accept whatever ‘suggestions’, restrictions, or programs they have (down the road, based on how things go).
I understand that although this is a checklist, it isn’t exhaustive, and it isn’t a list of rules. Rather it is reflective of a few basic values: truth, integrity, self-discipline, trust, and cooperation to name a few. The intent here is that I am going to live in the truth.
I understand that decisions about my junior and senior year will be made later, taking everything into account for my best interests and based on what I learn about myself in the meantime and on what mom and dad observe. I am not interested in accepting less than what I’m capable of, and decisions about the future will focus on this.
I’m signing this of my own free will, because I want to succeed, I want to make positive changes, and because I realize that going to school is a privilege...and not because it’s what mom and dad want to hear. I’ve asked all the questions I need to make sure that I understand what I’m signing."

He clarified a few points, but overall seems happy to sign it. From our POV, we want to follow up with counseling, mentors, ADHD evaluation/accomodations, etc. There's no way this isn't coercive, but I think he does realize that we're in a screwed up morass and this is a hand up. So he's willing to take it. We'll see what happens. Our options, if he becomes passive about fulfilling it, are slim and I recognize that going into it. But ... theres not a lot of other ways to go, to our way of thinking, after a week's brainstorming. So here we go.

insights

On the way home from the beach yesterday M and I talked a lot about what happened with him on new year's eve. Between the two of us we came up with these insights.
-He loves the thrill of adventure, fun, adrenaline, risk....not so much the actual form it takes (alcohol, pot, dares, etc)
-He has something going on (psychological or spiritual or both) where he forgets the wrong thing he's doing even as he's doing it. He has an incredible capacity to zone out of his own life so he doesn't have to deal with the dichotomy of belief and action, and so he doesn't feel the pangs of conscience.
-He's resistant to God, though it doesn't sound too nice to admit to it.
-What causes the greatest losses in his life are not the bad actions themselves. It is always the lying about it afterward that causes the losses...of school, of reputation, of opportunities. People are usually willing to forgive if you're really sorry and admit to your failing. If you don't demonstrate a striken conscience, and you lie to cover up, folks aren't too willing to give much.
-He lies to himself on a daily basis, always rationalizing things that are unpleasant (whether it is a pesky conscience, or homework, or whatever)
-Somehow this amalgamation of self-deceit, dulled conscience, living in a fog, thrill-seeking, risk-taking, lies, etc. is causing a cycle of self-destruction. Just when he keeps his nose clean for awhile, then he is presented with the opportunity (in whatever form it takes...could be cheating at cards, or streaking on the golf course, or stealing something just because he can, or getting high...) to take backward steps. He seizes the opportunity. Then he denies his involvement, both to himself and to others. And then he loses any forward progress he's made, and his chances for a 'normal life' get less likely.
-It really does take stuff like honor, responsibility, living with integrity, perseverance, a good name, self-discipline, and all those other old fashioned concepts to lead a normal happy life. Otherwise you're crippled.

and it just doesn't stop

At 5:30 this morning the back door closed. And so it started, the lies, the posturing, the clouded memory...
M was bored last night on New Year's Eve. Don't blame him...it is quiet here at the beach, and with Bill's toothache we didn't make any exciting plans. So he went for a walk on the beach. Where he happened to meet someone. Who happened to let him in a party at a private home, here on the island. Where he met someone else. Where he went to another party. Where he drank himself drunk. Where he inexplicably decided to steal $200 and a girl's photo ID'd credit card. From which he came home at 5:30.

Then he had the audacity to tell Bill that he had just been walking on the beach, thinking about his life and his friends. He decided he was going to lose the friends that were weighing him down, and he was going to recommit himself to finishing strong and getting back in school. This is, after all, the child who lost over a year of his high school experience, countless friends, his reputation, and trust/freedom for having sneaked around smoking pot. (We were supposed to fill out his re-application to school today.) So Bill and I talk for over an hour about his story, knowing that it didn't hold water, but wanting to believe it to be true.

So they packed up the car around lunchtime to return home, just Bill and M together. A car pulled in the driveway. It was his new 'friends' who were, um, missing some things. For some inexplicable reason he had left behind his wallet when he got in the car to leave, so he went back inside and got the items he had stolen and returned them. Thankfully, these friends didn't call the cops....they just came looking for him. Probably because if they called the cops they'd get busted for serving alcohol to a 15 year old. But whatever.

I'm just numb. My life has been made a mockery of...all the time I put into homeschooling him so he could get back in school. All the sacrifices he has meant for us. For what? So he can throw his life away. It isn't just a whoops! bad decision. It's a pattern of self-defeating behavior that he cannot even explain. He doesn't know why he stole a credit card he couldn't use anyway. He doesn't need money for anything....he has everything he needs and most of what he wants. He can't explain lying to parents who give him nothing but blessing and benefit. He. is. self-destructing. And I cannot make any sense of it. He had so much going for him. But like we told him, he's not just throwing away 15 years of achievement and good genes. He's throwing away his future now. School next year? He won't get in St. Jo's because we cannot honestly look them in the eye and say that he's changed. That's all they are looking for. College? He's one step outside of jail this morning, so it's hard to imagine him getting into some ivy league college (which is what he's capable of). Respect? Friends? Reputation? Nope.

So here I am at square one on New Year's Day wondering what the hell is happening to this wonderful, beautiful child of mine.

A day to myself

We are at the beach, and so today I decided I'd go to Charleston by myself. This is a luxury, although it doesn't sound so special. Just to be able to stroll along King, Queen, Market, Broad, Meeting, East Bay and all the picturesque streets of downtown Charleston, without anyone bugging me to leave! Ahhhh. So I spent the majority of my time doing a gallery crawl of all the art galleries in the French Quarter. My exciting find of the day is pictured! It is a portrait of Mackenzie by Dabney Mahanes, featured at the Eye Level Gallery on Queen Street. Mackenzie modeled for us one day, and Dabney told me that the finished product was at "a gallery on Queen Street". I kept looking till I found it. For $800 it could be mine. I love her work, but can't swing that. After catching all the art galleries, I shopped for shoes (none) and clothes. I found a store with several things I liked (called Affordables, an unlikely name on King Street!) Then I went to my favorite art supply store and picked up some linen canvasses and charcoals. Stopped in West Ashely and picked up a book for Clark, as well as the game Imagineiff. When I came home the kids and I played it, and had a great time with it. The only bad part of the day is that Bill's had a toothache that's been bugging him for a few days and he's knocked out with pain meds. Otherwise a pretty delightful day!

Five weird things about me you might not know

I got tagged by Julie and so here goes (and Julie, I don't know how to make your name a link):

1. I'm not allergic to Poison Ivy
2. I'm so normal this is hard... The most romantic place I've ever been, I went to with my children. I simply MUST take my dh back to Santorini, in Greece!
3. I pick out perfect dogs. People call me to help them select a dog. I have a knack for finding good breeds, and good, happy, well adjusted pets.
4. I rip all the advertising cards out of magazines before I'll touch the magazine. Those things are my pet peeves.
5. I like to burp really loud.

A Christmas Carol (by G K Chesterton)

The Christ-child lay on Mary's lap,
His hair was like a light.
(O weary, weary were the world,
But here is all aright.)

The Christ-child lay on Mary's breast
His hair was like a star.
(O stern and cunning are the kings,
But here the true hearts are.)

The Christ-child lay on Mary's heart,
His hair was like a fire.
(O weary, weary is the world,
But here the world's desire.)

The Christ-child stood on Mary's knee,
His hair was like a crown,
And all the flowers looked up at Him,
And all the stars looked down

I shoulda had a camera!

This morning I'm at Edisto Beach. We just got in around 12:30 last night, and the dog's execratory system woke me up. So he and I trundle off to the beach, where he's allowed to run off-leash since it is after Halloween. The morning sky was gorgeous peach and pink, with the sun just popping over the horizon, only to slide behind a screen of violet clouds. I sat there and just listened to the surf and watched the sunrise, while the dog sniffed along the strand. I turned to look behind me, and what should be plastered over me but a rainbow! It isn't rainy or anything, but there I was, smack dab under the arc of the clearest rainbow I've ever seen. It stopped me in my tracks.

I collected Zeus eventually, and we headed back to the house. Just as we are about to turn into our driveway, out of the palmetto trees swoop a pair of great herons. They banked in front of us and soared away down the street. Amazing. What a way to start a day!

Breathing room

Today I officially started thinking about Christmas. I ordered the trampoline, which they say will be here by Friday the 22nd. I have lined up someone to assemble it while we are at the beach from Friday - Sunday. I'm trying to figure out where to get black Converse AllStars now. We got a postcard from Grayson, as well as a few text messages, saying he's in Alice Springs, headed for Ayers Rock, and that he will miss us on Christmas. I'll miss him too.

My dear friend Beth lost her pet doggie, Zoe. Zoe was my dog Zeus' best friend. So it is a sad event for Bethie, but sad too because Zeus won't understand where Zoe is when Beth comes over. Beth hopes to get another dog, and quick. So sad.

Clark's confirmation was a special event for him. I love the aspect of it that he is the center of the universe for awhile, and not because of some game he's playing in, or some recital he's practiced for, or some accident he's had.... just because he's a person acknowleging that his spiritual path is important. That's it. That's the whole of confirmation: yes, I believe this stuff, and it matters to me. So I'm glad that he opted to take this step. He was pulled aside by Bishop Baker beforehand, and brought into the Catholic Church, so that he could be confirmed in it! So it was his joining the church, being confirmed in the church, first confession, and first communion, all rolled up together. The ceremony was beautiful and long. Bishop Baker gave a homily on stewardship. Gigi walked forward with Clark as his sponsor, and Clark assumed the confirmation name of Melchizedek. With as strange a name as that is, my parents (who did come to it!) didn't even ask the significance of it! I thought that was pretty shocking. BUt I shouldn't be shocked...there is a history of just not talking about things that they wish never happened. So I should have known there would have been no curiosity exhibited. But I'm grateful they came and sat through the service for Clark's sake.

The next day, Clark participated in the ordination of our friend Dwight. Clark had a very visible role as the book-bearer for the bishop. He ended up being the one who had to act as a human podium for the Bishop's homily. So for 30 minutes or so he knelt very still. This was the first time he had been analtar server! What a memorable week for him.

Then on Friday I spent the day planning a reception for Dwight. And LaQuinta moved out! She found a rental house, and so she left. I hope good things for her.

Saturday I slept and kept on my jammies all day.

Sunday night, we went to one of those parties where you just know that the whole time you are being sized up. I hate that. So no matter that the food was good, the home was lovely, the decorations tasteful....I still could not wait to get out of there. Bill even commented as we left how grateful he was that I was nothing like the women at the party. I told him I felt out of place, and he replied, "You WERE out of place! And thankfully!!"

Not keeping up

I'm not keeping up with my life. My only time to myself is moments like this...the hours when everyone else is in bed, and I have insomnia to thank that I'm not. Advent's supposed to be a time of reflection, but I find myself unable to reflect and pray because of all the activity.... and I haven't even begun shopping yet!

My only source of online friendships is closing next month. So that leaves me in a place of grief, vulnerability, and loss. I'm coping with that news, and it's forcing me to rethink my time committment to the internet. It's forcing me to recognize that it may be a blessing in disguise, because it affords me a chance to connect more fully with the real world; to renegotiate my relationship with cyberspace. Folks at this forum are hurting as well, and it is making me evaluate all the years' investment I've given to the relationships. To be sure, the forum has been a bright spot in my days, a source of inspiration toward change, a support group from which to bounce ideas and experiences. It has been a rich experience. But this whole overnight evaporation of the entity... it has me doing some major reevaluation.

LaQuinta and that whole experience has been incredibly draining. Her values and culture are such that I'm having a hard time respecting. Shirking responsibility, inconsideration, poor communication, imposition ... it has all taken a huge toll on me, and on my family. Clark has mistakenly felt that we wanted him to serve as babysitter for the girls. Mackenzie, my chipper one, has been in a funk of losing the sense that his house is his castle, as has Bill. Something's gotta change, and I think we're going to just pay some rent for her in order for her to move out this weekend. We need to inhabit our own home again before Christmas. We need a break. I cannot say it hasn't been a good experience, insofar as we've alleviated a need, we've learned from the inside about a culture and way of life that was foreign, we're given of ourselves and hopefully made a difference in the lives of the little girls. I wouldn't trade it, honestly. But time's up.

Our dear friend is being ordained to the priesthood (actually, this happened last night) and I'm in charge of the reception on behalf of the school, where he'll be chaplain. So throwing this party has been my responsibility, and the reception is tonight. I have no idea whether it will go well or not. I am hoping so, but ... you there's only so many hours between now and then, and I have no idea whether we'll have 75 people or 300. A bit tough to plan for, eh?

And Clark was received into the church and confirmed Wednesday. What a path for him to want to do that! I need to do a blog post just about that event. Then last night, with exactly 24 hours of being a Catholic under his belt, he served a very visible role as a server at our friend's ordination. He held the book for the bishop. So he spent two hours in front of a huge crowd of clergy and friends on his knees before the bishop, standing, moving, trying to figure out the ropes of altar service. He did an exceptional job. Amazing.

Then there is Grayson. He has left (Friday morning, Australia time) with a friend he met over there in a rental van for a month long trek around the Outback. He's heading first to the Great Barrier Reef, then down to Ayer's Rock, and on to the cities along the southern coast of Adelaide and Melbourne, finishing up at Sydney. What an adventure. But what a lot for a mother to deal with, thousands of miles away.

And I've no presents for Christmas. And my house is a wreck. And my homeschooled child needs to have exams written, and review sheets for said exams, and applications filled out for school next year... and his mom thus far has not succeeded at that.

I'm just not keeping up with my own life. There's too much needed of me, too much emotion elicited from me. I gotta find a way to cope with all this.

Advent Begins!

I pulled decorations down yesterday, intent on getting my Advent wreath set up before it was actually needed (a departure from the usual practice). I don't have many Christmas decorations and sometimes I wish I did. Like now. :-) But I think I'd rather be minimalist than excessive if I had to choose. If I can decorate the stairway with garland, the front door with a wreath, two mantels, and a tree ... that will be enough. I don't have a theme, or a collection of kitchy artifacts, most likely because those things just aren't meaningful to me. I'd have to manufacture an interest in, say, nutcrackers, which I don't currently possess. But I do love a home that feels cozily Christmas, and so I'll try to find that balance.

This is going to be a full season for us. The beach house is available this month to us, so I know that Bill is going to want to go down there a time or two. Then there is LaQuinta and her housing issues to consider. Then Clark's confirmation on the 13th, and our friend's ordination on the 14th, and the reception in his honor the 15th that I'm in charge of organizing. Somewhere in there I've got to figure out what I'm going to get everyone and shop for it! And decorate! And finish up the semester of homeschooling! And start a new painting class! And cook nourishing meals so I don't swell up like a balloon with holiday food!

I guess everyone feels the pinch of the holidays. I wish it weren't so, but it seems to be almost a matter of fact. Last night we intentionally didn't go to something we were supposed to be at just to have a boring evening! This in part because, Bill's concussion is still giving him trouble. For instance, he tried to help bringing down boxes from the attic, and immediately got a headache. He is supposed to fly to Chicago today, and I'm worried that this trip might be too taxing on him right now.

Anyway, Advent begins today, and I hope that the season brings a measure of blessed peace with it!

battling the same demon, again

Last night, after a rough day already, I learned that a few nights ago, M had 'borrowed' the truck to drive in the neighborhood to a friend's house. It's Grayson's truck but we haven't disposed of it, so it's basically taking up space. But M only has a learner's permit, and the insurance on the truck has lapsed. Not only that, but when the father of the friend offered to take him home since it was cold, M didn't say "Oh, I drove"; no he says, "Thanks, I'll just walk."

So. He stole the truck (since that's what borrowing without permission is). He violated the terms of his license. He lied to the friend's father. He lied to us (never mentioned it). And the cherry on the top is that when confronted, he gets all defensive like "what's the big deal! You all are making a mountain out of a molehill."

I feel like I'm talking to the very same child who 6 months ago smoked pot and then lied when caught. The same kid who 4 months ago covered for his friends by not telling us that he had smoked with them. The same kid who wandered the neighborhood and set off the alarm at the nearby hotel (and never mentioned it to us). Now this?? Is he not learning ANYTHING by all he's suffered? Is he going to come out of this experience HARDER rather than more genuine? Is there ever a point when he will begin to see for himself when he's done something wrong, or when he's hurt someone BEFORE he gets caught, or BEFORE he is confronted? When does conscience come to bear? He's got such an opportunity to get real, get honest, and become the man he has the capability to become. But will he take it?