Dona Nobis Pacem

It started on Sunday that I was aware of. It probably started before then. But I knew something in my spirit was moving, and that was a welcome change. I went to mass and as I knelt there thinking and praying, I knew that I was withholding my own peace. I was struck with how easy it was to say "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us", but how very hard to do; how very hard to feel that forgiveness is the right thing to do, to feel disposed to offer it, to realize that forgiveness is just as much about my own happiness as it is about the other's. That's what started stirring on Sunday.

On Tuesday my friend Beth and I went out playing for the day. I told her to stop by B&N so I could pick up a book I'd had but misplaced. I had been thinking on Monday about when I had been happiest in my marriage...truly happy. It dawned on me that it was when I had given up controlling my dh. I had read a book at the time (called, The Surrendered Wife -- a title I hate, but a book that made a profound impact on my life) and had applied it to my own marriage. This was shortly after I'd started trying to reduce the control I had been exerting on my children. I had been happiest in my marriage at two points in time: the 22 months from June 05-April 07 and prior to that back in 03, when I had applied the Surrendered Wife to my marriage. Those times were the happiest.

It all started to click in my mind. He's the same guy as he was for the 22 months. He has some issues that likely won't change; that's my reality. But just as real were the 22 months when his issues just really didn't show up much. I wonder if there's something I'm doing unconsciously that's precipitating his issues showing up after almost 2 years? Hmmm. He complains that I'm trying to control him, and have been controlling for some time (he just hasn't mentioned it). Is it possible that the only thing that's standing between myself and my own happiness in marriage is ... moi? That if I can just offer forgiveness for his screwing up back in April, AND refresh myself on giving up being a controlling wife, and really listen to him... that I (and he) would be happy again?

I prayed the rosary for the healing of my marriage.

I re-read the book. I saw myself in the pages, and I saw his blowing up in the pages....one quote that jumped out to me was: "Men show up for their roles as fathers in a completely different way once they feel respected by their wives. Even in cases where a man is verbally abusive. Children are less likely to be punished inappropriately, and more likely to be attended to generously when their father feels respected by his wife. Perhaps this is because kids are easy targets for misplaced anger. For example if a man is angry with his wife for being bossy and domineering (ouch), he might try to keep the peace by saying nothing to her. In the meantime, the anger that was never properly vented seeps out as inappropriate outbursts at the children. This is terribly unfair, but it's also very human." What if I believed Bill, as I said I wanted him to believe me? What if he is being a typical human and not a monster? What if I start appreciating the same man who was so fabulous a husband earlier? Could the answer really be as simple as giving up the resentment, giving up the control, giving up? Could that bring about intimacy and happiness and relief and warmth?

I brushed up on how to be a pleasant person again. I brushed up on my phrases: "Whatever you think", "Ouch", "Thank you", "I want...", "I can't...." I started focusing on my self-care: practicing art, practicing yoga, taking baths, etc. (All these are discussed in the book.)

That was on Wednesday. Wednesday night while fixing dinner M mentioned a really nice restaurant in town where he had worked. I commented "I want to go there sometime." Behind me I heard dh say, "How about Friday night?"

On Thursday night he said, "Wanna take a walk?" Even though I didn't really (it was late, I wanted to watch a movie) I said, "Sure, whatever you think." He talked and shared with me about work and his life and what had been on his mind, and how he was working hard for a client in exchange for a trip to Hong Kong together. He watched the movie with me after walking, and stayed awake till the end.

This morning I got up from bed and there was a note on the floor beside the bed along the lines of "Hope you slept well. You look too peaceful to disturb. I love you."

I have hardly said a word. I haven't tried to communicate, fight, write about my feelings, get him to go somewhere he doesn't want to go, resolve any issues. I just forgave him and started treating him like a forgiven person. I can't speak for anyone else, but it's working for me. And I'm relieved.