and it just doesn't stop

At 5:30 this morning the back door closed. And so it started, the lies, the posturing, the clouded memory...
M was bored last night on New Year's Eve. Don't blame him...it is quiet here at the beach, and with Bill's toothache we didn't make any exciting plans. So he went for a walk on the beach. Where he happened to meet someone. Who happened to let him in a party at a private home, here on the island. Where he met someone else. Where he went to another party. Where he drank himself drunk. Where he inexplicably decided to steal $200 and a girl's photo ID'd credit card. From which he came home at 5:30.

Then he had the audacity to tell Bill that he had just been walking on the beach, thinking about his life and his friends. He decided he was going to lose the friends that were weighing him down, and he was going to recommit himself to finishing strong and getting back in school. This is, after all, the child who lost over a year of his high school experience, countless friends, his reputation, and trust/freedom for having sneaked around smoking pot. (We were supposed to fill out his re-application to school today.) So Bill and I talk for over an hour about his story, knowing that it didn't hold water, but wanting to believe it to be true.

So they packed up the car around lunchtime to return home, just Bill and M together. A car pulled in the driveway. It was his new 'friends' who were, um, missing some things. For some inexplicable reason he had left behind his wallet when he got in the car to leave, so he went back inside and got the items he had stolen and returned them. Thankfully, these friends didn't call the cops....they just came looking for him. Probably because if they called the cops they'd get busted for serving alcohol to a 15 year old. But whatever.

I'm just numb. My life has been made a mockery of...all the time I put into homeschooling him so he could get back in school. All the sacrifices he has meant for us. For what? So he can throw his life away. It isn't just a whoops! bad decision. It's a pattern of self-defeating behavior that he cannot even explain. He doesn't know why he stole a credit card he couldn't use anyway. He doesn't need money for anything....he has everything he needs and most of what he wants. He can't explain lying to parents who give him nothing but blessing and benefit. He. is. self-destructing. And I cannot make any sense of it. He had so much going for him. But like we told him, he's not just throwing away 15 years of achievement and good genes. He's throwing away his future now. School next year? He won't get in St. Jo's because we cannot honestly look them in the eye and say that he's changed. That's all they are looking for. College? He's one step outside of jail this morning, so it's hard to imagine him getting into some ivy league college (which is what he's capable of). Respect? Friends? Reputation? Nope.

So here I am at square one on New Year's Day wondering what the hell is happening to this wonderful, beautiful child of mine.