The marital bliss I've been in the last almost-two years has been a lie. I didn't know it was a lie. I was actually happy. Very happy. I thought that feeling was mutual. I no longer lived in fear, or eggshells, or manipulation. I was moving toward positive goals, toward a positive future. That came to a screeching halt with some pretty deep-seated ugliness this weekend. The hard part now is that I've tasted how good it can be, how deeply I can love this person. I know I cannot go back to the way it was exactly two years ago. We've had all these conversations before. I can't go back to believing what I don't believe. I won't go back to living in fear. And I won't let my kids bear what they shouldn't have to. And he's as determined as ever...as determined as he was two years ago... and so I know the cold nights I have ahead of me if I stay. It is seeming more and more irreconcilable. I lived in hope, but now I'm living with a bitter reality. I'm beyond sad, and beyond tears, really. It all came crumbling down. And now I have no idea what the future holds for us. None. Will I go back to grad school, or will I have to get a job? Will I grow old with this man, or will I call the attorney? I dunno.
If for some reason you list this blog in your blogroll, please remove it. I want this to be a private place where only those who are already connected to it may view. Thanks.
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8 comments:
I'm so sorry, Beth. I'll be praying for you and Bill. I don't know what else to say.
I removed you from my blog list on sentient marrow. I hope it's OK that I am here but if you'd prefer I not be, let me know.
((Beth)) So sorry. You'll be in my prayers.
Sandy
I'm so sorry. I'm speechless. I just ache for you. Of course I'll be praying.
I've removed your link from my blog. I understand your need for privacy.
Hey, Beth. I am heartened by your honesty and authenticity and saddened for your struggle. I'm thinking of you.
I'll echo's Sentient's words, since I don't want to pry into your journey. I really do care on a personal level. But, if you prefer to keep this audience more select, just let me know and I will bow out. And I will remove your link from my blog roll right away.
Love to you...
Removed.
I'm beyond sad for you and want to hop a plane...
(((Beth)))... I'm so sorry. I wish there was more we could do when friends are in pain. I will pray.
Oh my gosh, Beth. I am so sorry!!! I am right there with you on the emotional roller coaster. I am so sorry!! I don't have words for either of us right now, but I send you my love.
Susan
I'm so sorry too, Beth. I've been in a not-healthy place in my own marriage for the past year; we're just getting back to a place where we're not walking on eggshells or completely ignore each other. I know some of what you're going through. You're in my prayers.
I removed this blog from my roll. I'll echo some of the others: if you'd rather keep this more private, let me know, k?
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