New month

I wish I felt more hope with the beginning of May. But in actuality, I still feel the same old numbness. Marriage isn't really marriage; parenting feels more like an effort to be informed as to their lives and plans...but not really MOTHERHOOD. I have to wonder about the future, but I dare not wonder too much, for fear I'll make it happen. For the future I envision, or rather the options I mull constantly, is not something I want to participate in.

Every day I ask dh when we are going to talk. Every day that he doesn't just ignore me, he answers that he doesn't think there's going to be one talk that settles everything once and for all. Fine. But give me a conversation for starters, then. I think he is operating under the assumption that he can delay, and delay, and we can go back into our comfortable intimacy-vacuum, and this will all blow over. But I'm tired of that life. I'm tired of no sex. I'm tired of cordiality. I'm tired of conversation about the day, and nothing more.

I don't want the marriage to end; but neither do I want it to go on status quo. I called the counselor today, I emailed the priest last week, I called the lady who prays sometimes for and with dh....and I've heard back from no one. I don't really want a counselor, actually. I don't want someone to reflect and clarify what I'm saying and empathize. I really want someone to tell me what to do. I feel incapable of deciding the next step....there aren't any next steps that seem agreeable. So I stand paralyzed and crying in my cereal. It sucks.